Professional Pics

Today Clay and I had professional pics made with Lilliana. We had an appointment with a lady from Collierville at 11:00 and at 9:30 when we were walking out of the door to head to Collierville, she cancelled on us and told me that she would not be rescheduling. Needless to say, I was livid. I had woken up at the crack of dawn to get myself ready prior to waking up Lilliana to feed her and bathe her. I think the thing that made me so mad was that I spoke with this photographer in December to schedule Lilliana's sitting and she told me that she was off the month of January and that the earliest we could set up a time was February. I really wanted her pics made earlier than that but seeing as she was recommended to us I decided to wait until she could fit us in. Well, after receiving her message I started to look for someone else who could complete her pics, preferably today. I found the website of a sweet lady online and called her around 10:00 and thankfully she had a cancellation at 12:30 so she was able to work us in. Her name is Michelle East and she is wonderful! I can't say enough wonderful things about her and I am so excited to see the pics when they are done. You can visit her website at www.michelleeastphotography.com . She was so professional and has such a cute studio just inside of Germantown. I highly recommend her to anyone in the Memphis area who wants some professional pics done :)

Eye infections, tornados, hot water tank trouble, oh my!

Well last week was somewhat of a crazy week. Clay left to go out of town on Monday the 4th and was not due to come back until the 6th. My mom was planning on staying with me at night to help out so I wasn't that worried about him being gone. On Monday when I was taking a shower and bathing Lilliana I noticed that the hot water was running out very quickly and I got worried that our hot water tank was trying to go out. When we bought our home, that was the only appliance the inspector noted was older then the rest and would possibly need to be replaced soon. I called one of my dad's old friends who was going to come over and look at it but within about 3 hours everything seemed to be back to normal so I am not sure what was going on.



Then when we woke up on Tuesday morning I noticed that Lilliana's eye was crusted over and kept watering. I called the pediatrician's office around 9:00 and at 12:30 I still had not heard back from them. I started to get frustrated because Lillie was just not acting right. She did not look like she was feeling well and so I decided to take her temperature. Well, after getting an axillary temp of 98.0 I proceeded to take a rectal temp because I just didn't trust the previous results. Well, upon taking a rectal temp I got a result of 100.2. I know that is not very high at all but Lillie is only 7 1/2 weeks old so I kinda freaked out. Ya see, the nurse in me knows that if a child under the age of 8 weeks gets a fever they are supposed to have a full septic work-up which would include an ER trip and and lumbar puncture! I called Clay crying to tell him, which completely got him worked up as he was sitting in meetings in Dallas, TX and couldn't do anything to help. I decided to call the doctor back and see if I should come in so this time I pushed the button to make an appointment so that I could speak with someone. Of course they suggested that I come in and I asked if I could go to the well baby room, even though I already knew the answer to that one! Well to no surprise they said no, and so I proceeded to tell her that it wasn't worth me to come in during RSV and Flu season and risk my baby contracting either one of those viruses. I started to cry on the phone and she probably thought I was crazy so she told me we could wait in the hospital lobby and that they would come out and get me when the doctor was ready so I agreed to come in. We were unable to get in with the pediatrician Lillie normally sees because he was not at the office that day so we saw Dr. Jones. I told him about her slight fever earlier in the day and that I had given her a dose of Tylenol and I got a slight scolding for doing so. He knew I was aware of protocol for infant's with a fever and told me that they don't always require a septic work-up especially since she is so close to 8 weeks. He was very nice about it but told me that they would have liked to know if her fever would have risen any more. He had figured out that I was a nurse after looking through her chart and asked where I worked at LeBonehur. After I told him the PICU her infromed me that the children I see are worst case senario and that he thought Lilliana looked great. He listened to her lungs and said they sounded clear which was a huge relief. I told him I had not gotten the stethescope out at home yet and I was trying to be the mom. :) He sent me home with a prescription for some eye drops but I ended up not having to get them filled because her eye looked much better the following day. He was wonderful and I figure there is now a big "H" on my chart for hypochondriac!



After all those fiascals you would think things would get better but on Tuesday night there were some terrible tornados headed for our area that actually caused a lot of damage in Memphis and Jackson, TN. It was pretty scary as I was here by myself for the first round of them but, I just took Lillie and Maggie into the hallway and we covered ourselves with blankets and pillows. I just kept praying the whole time that things would be ok and that He would shield us from the storms and thankfully we were alright.



Needless to say we were so greatful when Clay returned late Wednesday and brought with him nice weather, warm water and a happy healthy baby :) It is amazing how things turned around when he got back in town. I guess we were just all really missing our Daddy and trying anything in our power to keep him home!

No more big girl bed

That means crib to Lilliana. I started placing her in her crib for naps on Saturday and then she slept in there on Sunday night without much difficulty. That is, she slept well but mommy did not as I was so worried about her and I was used to being able to just reach over into her 'moses basket' to check on her but now I had to get up and go across the hallway. Anyways, last night when Clay was coming to bed he checked on her around 1:30 and she was resting comfortably and then aroung 3:30 I woke up to check on her and found her swaddled tight in her blanket but she had wiggled her way down into it and it was covering her entire face. Well the PICU nurse and mother in me panicked and immediately ripped the covers off of her which woke her up to my relief. I picked her up and decided to go ahead and nurse her since she was awake but could not stop thanking God for keeping her safe. I just kept thinking what could have happened if I hadn't woken up. I am sure her big brother Cooper along with our Heavenly Father was watching out for her and I am so greatful. Since then she has been back in her 'moses basket' next to our bed and I have slept much better. :)

Today Lilliana also had her first playdate with her friend Palmer. Well actually the girls slept most of the time but it was nice to be able to visit with my friend Tracy and have some grown-up conversation. We went out for lunch at McAllister's after the girls naps and then headed home. This is the first time Lilliana has been out to a restaurant like this and she slept the whole time. I was so proud of her she was so good in her carseat. Daddy arrived home soon after we did and we were able to spend some time catching up and loving on Lilliana. Then I got a phone call from the pediatrician's office asking me when I was coming in to get Lilliana's synergist shot. This is the shot to help prevent her from getting RSV. I told the office I wasn't aware she was approved for this as her pediatrician told me he was going to try and get her approved but thought the chance was slim. I called our insurance company to double check she was approved and then we packed up and headed into the office to recieve her shot. To say it was a traumatic experience for both of us is putting it lightly. You would think since I am a pediatric nurse it would not bother me, but to hear my baby scream like that brought tears to my eyes. I felt so bad for her and just held her and then nursed her again while we were waiting the 20 minutes you are supposed to, while observing her for any adverse reactions. By the way, they had to weigh her while we were there to make sure they gave her the correct dose and she weighed in at a whopping 9 lb 7 oz! Can you believe that. She was 5 lb 6 oz at birth just 7 weeks ago! She is such a little chunky monkey and I guess if there were any doubts whether she was getting enough to eat they were disproved after that sort of weight gain. I can't believe how fast she is growing up :)

Priceless!

Our DAILY portion insurance didn't cover for terbutaline pump $ 70.50



Package of soothie pacifiers $ 3.99



Our out of pocket max, we met during pregnancy with Lilliana $ 3,500.00



Cost of Lilliana's 1 week NICU stay $32,000.00



Being a mommy and daddy to a healthy little girl. The amount of joy that she has brought to our lives in such a short amount of time, and spending every waking moment doting on her and loving her. $ PRICELESS

Night out!

Well, tonight Clay and I decided to get out and go to our neighborhood progressive dinner party. Nana came over and watched Lilliana while we were there. It was really hard for me to leave even though we were just down the street and were only gone about 2 1/2 hours. That is also the longest amount of time I have been away from her so it made it more difficult. I fed her around 7:00 and then my mom was kicking us out of the door by 7:30. I was trying to explain to her that I usually rock Lilliana starting around 8:00 for at least 30 minutes then lay her down and don't allow her to fuss more than 10 minutes and if she starts to scream then to just get her up because she is not going to stop. My mom looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I thought she had forgotten how to care for a baby. :) I called to check on her around 9:00 and of course she was not asleep. This is probably our most problematic time, from 8:00 - 10:00. Clay says she just wants to be around us, like Maggie does because if I keep her in the living room with us she is just a doll. Usually after feeding her again at 10:00 she will go down much easier but it just depends. Again, we are going to work on this this weekend and hopefully we will see some results.

6 weeks already!

Well today I had my 6 week check-up with my OB. I brought Lilliana with me and they were very glad to see our miracle baby. Today, Lilliana is also 6 weeks old! I can't believe it has been that long already. She is such a joy and I just love her more than I ever thought possible. She is getting so big and I think her eyes are beginning to get more blue. Her daddy has beautiful big blue eyes but mommy has brown eyes so I am not sure who she is going to favor yet. She has started a new habit that is mostly my fault. She really isn't enjoying sleeping in her bed anymore. I guess this started last week when I thought her belly was hurting her and that she possibly had colic but now I am thinking she is just a little rotten :) Twice this week she has fallen asleep on Daddy's chest at night and now doesn't like napping in her bed either. She just sleeps so much better when she is in my arms. I was telling my mom about this and she said if she starts to cry, when in her bed, and then upon picking up immediately stops and falls asleep she is obviously tired and just fighting sleep. This is exactly what she does. I just hate to listen to her cry. It just breaks my heart and is comforting to know that when I pick her up she stops crying. She knows her mother is a pushover and she is definately working her charm! We plan to work on it more this weekend when Clay will be home more so we will just see what happens.

Clay and I went to get ice cream
the other night and even though
we didn't even get out of the car
I guess I thought Lilliana needed
to stay toasty warm!


Practicing our tummy time


I caught her smiling at her Daddy!




Well Lilliana and I continue to do well. She is growing like a weed. When I weighed her on Friday she was up to almost 8 pounds! I guess, there is no doubt that she is getting enough to eat. Lately we have had a few problems with either colic, or some of the things I am eating are starting to hurt her belly. I have decided to stay away from spicy foods and things that may hurt her belly so we will just see if that solves the problem. On Saturday night she cried for almost 4 hours off and on and I just could not calm her. After the first hour I would just cry right along with her as I felt so bad for her that I couldn't calm her. Usually, all I have to do is pick her up and hold her if she is crying but nothing was working that night. She kept drawing her little legs up and had not pooped all day so it could have been a combination of it all. Finally around midnight she fell asleep on her daddy's chest on the couch were she slept for the night. We tried laying her down in her bed around 2:00 but she immediately woke up and started screaming so we decided it wasn't worth it. Then when she woke up on Sunday she was a new woman so we will just have to see. I am praying that it is not colic and that I just ate something that didn't agree with her. On Sunday afternoon, I decided to get out for an hour or so and run to the mall and left Lilliana with Clay. Shortly after I left I recieved a text message saying that he thought she was feeling better as she unloaded her 2 days worth of poop on him! That's my girl :) She continues to be such a joy and I just love every minute I have with her.

Lilliana is telling me to quit taking pics of her
and feed her already

So Lilliana and I are doing great. I am impressed with how well she is taking to her schedule and she is still nursing like a champ. Clay did give her a bottle of pumped milk the other day and she took it pretty well. It took her forever to take the first 15 cc's but then she took the last without a problem. I was glad that she didn't completely refuse the bottle from Clay, and we will probably give her one every couple weeks to make sure she doesn't refuse it when it's time for me to go back to work. Wednesday was her official due date and on Thursday she turned 4 weeks old! I can't believe she is that old already. I know they say time really goes by quickly especially when they are young so I am trying to cherish every moment I have with her.


Clay and I weighed her last night and I can't believe that she is weighing in at 7 pounds 3 ounces! That is almost a 2 pound weight gain in a month. I am so impressed with her. She is finally fitting into most of her newborn clothes and getting pretty chunky, according to my standards :)


Today one of my friends from nursing school came over to see Lilliana and she stayed awake the entire time. I was so excited as usually, she seems to want to sleep when company comes to see her. We are working on finding time to get some professional pictures made of us with a lady from Collierville and hope to have that done in the next few weeks.

She is growing so fast!

Lilliana in one of her new bow's!



Tonight we placed Lilliana on the scales and she is weighing approximately 6 pounds 6 ounces! I knew she was growing as she has grown out of most of her preemie clothes by now. What kills me is that most babies are her size when they are born if not bigger and I think she is just HUGE. We are still working on our schedule but so far things are going great. For the last 2 nights after waking at 10:00 pm for feeding, she has not woken back up until between 3:00 - 3:30 to feed again, and then up for the day around 7:00. She is such a good baby and I just love her so much. Today, Lillie and I got out with my mom to go to my work so I could add her to my insurance and then we ran by Little Lambs and Ivy so I could buy her some more bows. Actually, Lillie stayed in the car with her Nana the whole time while I ran into work and the store but she was able to leave the house!

New Years Eve

Since the weather in Memphis today was so nice, Lilliana and I decided that we would go for our first stroll while Daddy was at work. It was so nice to be able to get out and enjoy the nice weather, and it was so wonderful to be strolling a baby around the block. :) I just feel so blessed to have Lilliana here with us and I still feel that it is not real sometimes. So far, Lilliana is sleeping pretty well and next week we are going to start working on a schedule, but she is already eating about every 3 hours around the clock, so I feel we are doing well. Nursing is still going great and we plan to try a bottle again soon. I want her to be able to take one incase Clay and I have somewhere to be when it is time for a feeding and for when I go back to work. As of right now, I plan to go back either part-time or PRN but hopefully it won't be until around April so I am trying not to think about that right now. Even though I plan to be in the bed before midnight tonight, we wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and we look forward to spending 2008 as a family of 3!

Christmas Baby

Well yesterday we celebrated Lilliana's first Christmas Eve and today her first Christmas. We feel so blessed to have her home with us healthy and happy. We decided that with the cold weather and since Lilliana is still so young that we would stay put this year for Christmas. Our families are going to come over to our house to see us and bring us some yummy Christmas food. We are just hanging out at the house taking a million pics of our sweet girl and just enjoying her every minute. When I look back on how much our lives have changed over the last 2 years I am amazed. This time last year was so depressing and I just felt like things would never get better but God had a plan for us that we were unaware of at that time. I can't thank God enough for Lilliana's life and the joy she has already brought into our lives.

First Doctor Appointment

Well today was Lilliana's first appoitment with the Pediatrician. I was so nervous taking her there as it is RSV season and the doctor's office is not the place to be with a premature infant in the winter time. When we first got there I had Clay wait with Lilliana in the lobby of the hospital while I went into the office and filled out the paperwork. Then they sent us to the well baby room while we waited for the doctor. We kept Lilliana in her carrier until they placed us in her room and then I had to strip her down, which she didn't enjoy, to go and weigh her. Well, according to their scales she weighs 5 pounds 12 ounces! I think that may be off a little bit considering she was just over birth weight before leaving the NICU yesterday but who knows. At least we know she is gaining.

The first picture was when we were getting ready to leave the doctor's office and she was ready to eat and not happy. A paci did the job for the ride home:) The second pic is what Lilliana looked like until we saw the doctor. Not only did she stay covered the whole time but when we arrived back home I washed everything that came with us to the doctor. You can never be too cautious especially when your mommy is a crazy PICU nurse! :)

We are out of here!

Well this morning when we arrived in the NICU, Lilliana's nurse met us at the door and said "are you ready to go home with her?" We were so excited but a little bit unprepared, as when I called this morning they were not for sure yet. I did not bring her coming home outfit and Daddy still had not installed the carseat. Granted, it was sitting in the car but not properly installed yet. After speaking with her nurse, I informed her that I would like to try and nurse Lilliana upon arriving home and she said we could meet with lactation consultant during her next feeding time which will be around 12:30. After that we will do all of her discharge planning and be on our way.

So after feeding Lilliana this morning we left to go complete some last minute things before she came home. I went to the house and did some last minute disinfecting and Daddy went to get a hair-cut and installed the car seat. Then it was time to go get our new addition. Upon arrival Lilliana was just starting to stir, so we paged the LC and she met us there to see if Lilliana would latch on, and did she ever. She is a nursing champ and I am just feeling so blessed. This is something that I have prayed about since learning we were pregnant again as I feel very strong about nursing. I really do believe that babies were meant to be breastfed so I am glad that Lilliana enjoys it so much. Anyways, even the LC was impressed and after a good feeding and some paperwork we were out the door. We said our good byes to everyone in the NICU along with those in L & D and they all just thought she looked just precious in her coming home outfit, as do we. Daddy got her strapped in her seat and off we went with Daddy driving more cautious than ever!

Honest weight gain!

Well tonight when we arrived for the evening visitation Lilliana's favorite night nurse was taking care of her. She decided we would go ahead and weigh her while I was there so I could see if she had gained weight. Well, I am glad to say that she now weighs 5 pounds 6.4 ounces, so we are actually more than birth weight! Yay, it looks like tomorrow may be the day. I also got to give Lilliana her first bath by mommy. She was not a happy camper at first but when I started to wash that head full of hair she just seemed in heaven. It was such a special time and I was just giddy upon leaving the NICU. I plan to call in the morning to see if tomorrow will be the day.

When can we bust out of here?

Well so far Lilliana is doing great without her oxygen and we are just counting down the hours until we can go home. Today when we arrived we spoke with the neonatologist and she told us that things were going great but that now she wanted Lilliana to gain some weight! What are you kidding me. After all this that is what is keeping her in there. She weighed 5 pounds 6.1 ounces at birth and now she is 5 pounds 5.3 ounces. The typical baby looses about 10% of their body weight before discharge from the hospital and Lilliana has lost less than 1 ounce!. Well, I was told not to worry after telling her nurses what the neonatologist said. They told me Lilliana WILL gain weight tonight :) They are so great up here. So, I guess if she does then we may be going home tomorrow. Yay, I can't wait.

No more oxygen

Well today when Clay and I arrived in the NICU we were greeted with our favorite nurse Niki and our sweet angel Lilliana had graduated to room air. Yes, that means no more oxygen. We are so proud of her. She is working so hard and knows how bad we want her home before Christmas. I was told from the beginning that was our goal and that she would need to be off oxygen at least 48 hour before she could go home so we are on our way.

Empty arms again

Well today I was discharged from the hospital and again we had to leave without a baby in our arms. It was very disheartening but I just have to keep reminding myself that things are so different this time and that soon she will be coming home with us. We did go back to see her at both of the evening visitation times and were able to feed her and I did kangaroo care again. So far she is doing so well with her feedings and has not had to receive any breastmilk through her feeding tube they placed in her nose. They were able to wean her oxygen down some more today and I have noticed that she is not breathing as quickly. She also was able to move to a big girl bed today, as she is no longer needing the radiant warmer bed. I really think the kangaroo care is doing us both a world of good :)

Kangaroo care

Well today Clay and I went to see Lilliana during all of the visitation times and during the one this evening from 8:00 - 10:00 I was able to do kangaroo care with her. It was just wonderful and she slept the entire time. We noticed towards the end of visitation that her breathing wasn't as labored and so her nurse asked if I wanted to try and give her a bottle. I was so excited and she took it like a champ. She was such a big girl and did not leave a drop. I just love her so much and can't wait until we can bring her home.

NICU again!

Well shortly after arriving on the postpartum floor, I noticed that Lilliana was breathing fast and she appeared to be grunting so I called her well baby nurse into the room and she agreed. After taking her into the nursery to do a oxygen check on her they realized that her O2 sats were low and they had to transfer her to the NICU. At first they thought she just had Transient tachypnea of the newborn which is common after a c-section birth but upon obtaining a chest x-ray it was confirmed that she had a slight case of hyalin membrane disease. This is essentially immature lungs. Luckily she is only on a small amount of oxygen through her nose but it could be as long as 2 weeks before she can come home. Clay and I are very saddened but glad that we are able to hold her when we go down to see her. I wanted so badly to be able to keep her in my room and just have a normal take home baby but I guess things could be a lot worse so I should be thankful.

News

Well, actually a lot has been going on in our life. I guess I avoided posting about this out of fear. After Losing Cooper last October Clay and I decided that whenever God was willing to give us another baby that we were willing. Well, after preconception counseling in January 07 and meeting with my regular OB we decided we would wait at least until Cooper's due date had passed to even think seriously about trying again. Well after his due date things got extremely busy with work and just life in general. We were also very busy with the upcoming March of Dimes walk and wanted to do very well in Cooper's memory and so I completely threw myself into that. The walk took place at the end of April and Clay and I were scheduled to leave for a beach trip for just the 2 of us the following weekend. It was the Friday night before we left that I realized I was pregnant again. We were extremely excited but very cautiously optimistic. I phoned my OB's office while we were at the beach and they wanted to see me as soon as we returned into town. Clay and I decided that we wouldn't tell anyone until at least 12 weeks this time, even our family but that didn't last long. While we were at the beach Clay was talking to one of his best friends and told him that we had to go to the doctor when we returned. Let me just say that Clay is HORRIBLE at keeping secrets. Especially one this big. He just gets so excited and has to tell someone. Well they eventually figured it out along with my mom around 8 weeks and then his family shortly after that. This pregnancy was different from the very start. I was extremely nervous as we never knew the exact reason why I went into labor with Cooper so my OB decided that we would be very cautious. I was pretty sick the first 12 weeks and I started to show a lot sooner this time around. I was doing everything in my power to not let other's realize that I was pregnant and that was getting harder everyday. In June I went to Cardiac Kids Camp with LeBonheur again and upon returning I had an appointment with the Maternal Fetal specialist for some first trimester screening. At the appointment they did a thorough ultrasound and check of my cervical length and he placed me on light duty and part-time at work just based on my history. The blood work and US looked great and within a week I found out that this baby looked perfect so far and that my chances of Trisomy 18 or Downs Syndrome were 1:10,000. I was so happy. It was after this, that everyone at work realized the reason I had been wearing scrub tops and big t-shirts :)

I feel like I was going to the doctor almost every week after I reached 12 weeks. Between scheduled appointments and the many times I phoned in fear that something was going wrong. Everyone in the office knew me by name about this time. I felt like I was driving everyone crazy but I just didn't want to miss something like I did with Cooper. My OB decided that we would do cervical length checks beginning at 16 weeks and scheduling them every 2 weeks along with appointments every 4 weeks. Things were going well physically until around 20 weeks when I started having painless contractions. We had just moved in with my mom after selling our house and Clay was out of town playing softball for the day. Mom and I had been shopping at the Collierville mall and I just wasn't feeling right. I phoned my doctor's office and they told me to go to L & D (since it was a Saturday afternoon and the office was closed). Upon arriving they hooked me up to the monitor and did not record anything for quite a while but I was still feeling something. My OB happened to be on call that weekend so she decided to do a UA to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection, and complete an US to check my cervical length. The UA was negative and my cervical length was good, but upon returning to my room after the US the monitor started to pick up some irregular contractions / irritability. My OB decided to admit me over night and give me IV fluids to make sure that I wasn't dehydrated. I was discharged on Sunday morning and sent home on strict bedrest with plans to see the specialist the following morning. I continued to contract / have uterine irritability for the remainder of my pregnancy and was placed on a terbutaline pump and off of work completely at 24 weeks. I was told to rest as much as possible and continued to have 1-3 contractions an hour even with the terbutaline pump. Along with the pump I also monitored my contractions at home with Matria healthcare by attaching myself to a contraction belt for 1 hour twice a day and sending it to the Matria nurses via phone line.


Clay and I eventually found a house and closed in early November and within one week of moving at 31 weeks 4 days gestation I woke with slightly painful contractions that were 3-5 minutes apart. I knew something was different when I monitored that morning with Matria and when the nurse phoned back I decided we were going straight to L & D. Upon arriving there I was indeed having contractions and again my OB was on call. I was given an IV and fluids in case I was just dehydrated and when that didn't work I gave myself a bolus of terbutaline from my home pump and that still didn't work. It was then that I was started on the dreaded Mag sulfate again but at that point I was asking for it as I wanted to speed things up to get the contractions stopped so they would have as little effect on my cervix as possible. This time they stopped with the Mag, or at least were back to 1-3 an hour like they had been since 20 weeks. I was transferred to the antepartum floor within about 24 hours where I stayed until that following Wednesday at 32 weeks gestation. Upon a cervical check before leaving the hospital by cervix had thinned some and I was considered 40% effaced and not really dilated any. I was sent home on strict bedrest and only allowed to shower once a day and get up to go to the bathroom. I was told to drink ton's of water and stay laying on my side.


At this point I began to see my OB weekly and we also were doing BPP twice a week because as if this pregnancy had not been enough already my amniotic fluid levels were slightly low. She decided to send me to L & D the day after Thanksgiving for a BPP since the office was going to be closed and again I almost had to spend the night. My fluid was the lowest it had been at that point and Babygirl Burchett was not practicing her breathing so I got a bad score on my BPP. I was scheduled to have a baby shower the following afternoon so I was devastated. The OB on call decided that we could repeat the BPP that evening and I needed to try and hydrate myself that day while lying in L & D. On the repeat my fluid was up slightly so I was sent back home with the same restrictions and the shower was back on. :)


I saw my OB the following Thursday and we decided that I could come off of bedrest at 35 weeks and that we would turn my terbutaline pump off at 36 weeks. I was so glad to get off of bedrest as I had so much to do to get ready for this little girl's arrival. I had a feeling that upon turning off my terbutaline that I would pretty quickly go into labor so I wanted to get everything done before that happened. On Wednesday December 12th, at around 10:00 am I turned off my terbutaline pump and was just sitting on go. Clay had to go see one of his dealer's that day and I went to the mall and lunch with a friend. When I got back I down on the couch and realized around 3:00 that I was having more consistent contractions. I called Clay to make sure he was back in town just in case and started to make sure our bags were packed to my liking. (You see, my bags had been packed since about 16 weeks just in case we made a trip to the hospital) I also packed a bag for Clay and began baking cookies for the doctor's office as I had an appointment the following morning at 10:45 am. When Clay got home I told him about my contractions but they were still anywhere from 5-20 minutes apart so I knew it wasn't time yet. When I woke up the morning of the 13th though I knew it was time. The contractions were more painful and they were anywhere from 2-5 minutes apart. After shower's and getting a few household chores done I realized I couldn't wait until my appointment at 10:45 like I had wanted to and I didn't think I could even wait until the office opened at 8:30 so around 7:20 we headed to L & D. They took me to triage and hooked me up and indeed I was having regular contractions. My OB came to see me and decided that we would give me fluids and try 3 doses of sub-q terbutaline to see if the contractions would stop. I was 36 weeks 1 day gestation but the longer I kept her in there the better. The terb stopped the contractions for about an hour and then they were back at full force. Since this baby was breech my OB didn't feel comfortable sending me home so she just decided to watch me in triage and checked me every few hours to see if I was progressing. Around noon upon checking me I was 2 cm and 80% effaced. She said she would be back in a few hours to see if there was any change and if not she may admit me to antepartum and place me on by mouth terbutaline. Around 2:30 she came back and I was around 3 cm and about the same effacement. At that time she asked me if I was ready to have a baby and I just lost it. I was bawling like a baby and she started to cry too. I was just so worried about her being born at 36 weeks and whether or not she would be ok. We decided that we would schedule my c-section for 4:30 but if things changed and my contractions slowed down we would cancel the section. For the next 2 hours they were getting me ready for my section and I spoke with the anesthesiologist and CRNA. I informed them how nervous I was about having a spinal and they answered all of my questions and tried to calm my fears. At 4:30 I was taken back to the OR and Clay met me shortly after that, and at 4:55 pm on December 13th Lilliana Elise Burchett was born weighing 5 pounds 6 ounces and 19 inches long. She has a head full of hair and is just the love of our lives.

New House

Well Clay and I are officially settled in our new home. We have been here just one week today but so far have been able to get most of the boxes unloaded. My mom came over earlier to help us unload some of them, and we were pretty productive. We love living in East Memphis and being so centrally located to everything. It is only about a 20 minute drive to our parents and same thing with work. We have realized that this house is smaller than our home downtown, which makes things interesting with furniture placement, but it is definitely worth it. Maggie is definitely loving her fenced in backyard. We joke that she has become an outdoor dog because sometimes we have to make her come back inside. Clay and his dad are going to put us a privacy fence as currently we have cyclone fence in place. This wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that the neighbor behind us has a rottweiler and a Doberman Pincher and of course Maggie is not scared of them at all. She will just sit there and bark at them when she is about the size of their paws! They could eat her in one bite but she is clueless to that so Clay is supposed to be working on the fence any day now. I will try to post some pics of the house whenever I find the cable to my camera for the computer. Thanks for continuing to pray for us, I know the memories of where we were this time last year are still very fresh with us but we are getting through each day by His "amazing grace."

Blessings,
Cooper's Mommy (Melody)

This time last year

Well this past weekend has definately been a weekend full of memories. This time last year Cooper was born on October 27th and then passed on October 29th. On the 30th we were at the funeral home making arrangements for the son we so longed to hold, and the 31st was the day we laid him to rest. Somehow though, we have been filled with a peace that can only come from our most gracious Heavenly Father. I had some friends ask me whether I thought Coop's birthday or angelversary would be harder and I told them about this peace we had been given. Not only was Cooper born premature, but with his heart condition there are so many more obstacles we would be facing. Had he been born full-term, we most likely would be facing a 2nd open heart surgery around this time and we would be somewhere else other than Memphis considering I would have liked to have him repaired at CHOP or University of Michigan. I would possibly be up there on my own as someone would have to continue working and there would just have been a lot of decisions to make. Now don't get me wrong, if I could do it all over again and still have Cooper here with me I would do whatever it would take. I would give my life for him just to hold him one more time. I would not mind having an imperfect baby that I spent all of my time with in and out of hospitals but I just feel that this was the plan that God had set out for us.


This past Sunday we had flowers on the alter of our church in memory of Cooper and they were just beautiful. We also went out there to his gravesite on his birthday and took him a pumpkin that had been painted with a University of Memphis Tiger on it. His daddy was very proud to have found such a pumpkin and knew Coop needed it :) Clay was able to stay in-town since last Wednesday so that was really helpful. Thank you to those of you who continue to read our blog and we do continue to ask for prayers and with time things do get easier but there will forever be a hugh hole in Clay and I's heart where Cooper's memory will always be.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Well today is Clay's birthday. This time last year we were admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor with Cooper and we were unable to celebrate this day. We plan to go to dinner this evening with family and try to stay focused on the positive things of today. Luckily Clay did not have to go out of town today but was able to stay around the house and spend some time with me and Maggie (our yorkie). She has become so rotten since we have been living at my mom's and I am not sure what she is going to do once we move. On that note we did find a home and our contract has been acepted! We are sooo excited and the planned closing date is November 1st. I have to meet with the inspector tomorrow at 12:00 and following that the appraisal will take place and hopefully things will continue to go well. It is in East Memphis and is smaller than Clay and I wanted in the beginning but was just too cute to pass up. We are ready to have a place of our own again and even more excited that Maggie will have a yard to run in. Granted, she does not really know how to play by herself so I am not sure how much she will use the yard unless we are outside with her but it will still be worth it. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as the following weeks continue and we get through the first anniversary of losing Cooper, but celebrating that he is with our Heavenly Father.

Coping

Well I realized that I have not been on here for quite a few months and I guess life has just gotten away from me lately. Clay and I have been extremely busy with work and just life in general lately. I am still at the PICU at LeBonheur and Clay is still doing sales for Trane heating and Air-Conditioning. There are still times when work is hard, with all the babies up there that have heart defects and just seeing the trial and tribulations that their families face. I have realized more and more lately how truly blessed Clay and I were with the way God handled Cooper's short life. As much as I would have wanted him to thrive while he was in the NICU the likelihood of that happening would have been slim to none and the peace that God has given us in taking him home to be with our Heavenly Father is much more than I could ask for. Granted, I would give it all up to have more earthly time with him but God has also shown Clay and I how short our time here on earth is and that our eternity with Him is what we should look forward to.


Since it appears that my last post was about the March of Dimes walk I guess I should comment on what a wonderful success that was. I was so humbled to have so many wonderful people there to walk with me on that day and many others that helped donate to Cooper's Troop. I believe out grand total was around $5,000 which far exceeded the $2,000 goal that I had set for ourselves. There was a great banquet during the summer that Clay and I attended where we received multiple awards including, 3rd place in t-shirt, 1st place for new family team, 2nd place overall and one more I believe. It was so exhilarating to realize that we had done all that to help other babies and to support such a wonderful cause. It is definitely a tradition that we would like to continue yearly and we already have some great ideas to help raise money for next year. We pray that Cooper is our only baby that we have to walk for and that God blesses us with a full-term healthy baby next time.


Other things that are going on is we sold our house down in Harbor Town in August and since we had to be out within 2 weeks we moved in with my mom, where we still sit. We have not had much luck finding a home that we like within our price range. The market is so slow around here lately and we are just praying that God's will give us a sense of peace and send us a home in His perfect timing.


Of course with it being October only one thing really comes to mind for me. The 1 year anniversary of Cooper's birth and death. October 18th is Clay's birthday and is also the day that I was admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor at 24 weeks gestation with Cooper. I then sat in labor and delivery for the next 9 days when I delivered Cooper on October 27th at 3:38 in the am. I still can't believe it has been a year and that this anniversary is already upon us. Cooper was in the NICU for 2 days before passing on October 29th when Clay and I left the hospital with all our hopes and dreams shattered and with empty arms. I know this month is going to be difficult but Clay and I have felt such a sense of peace about everything that happened that we can't help but still raise our hands up to God and praise His name. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers during the next few weeks and I promise to update this blog more frequently from here on out.

God Bless,
Mommy and Daddy to Cooper Walker
Melody and Clay

I just wanted to give an update on the t-shirts that we are selling to help raise money for the March of Dimes. I went on Wednesday to Collierville to place my first order and to complete the design. The shirts are going to be a baby blue color and the writing on them is in navy. Also in the picture of the front of the shirt, it is going to say "Cooper's Troop" not Cooper's Battle. I wrote it wrong the first time. I am going to try and put up a picture if I can figure it out. Again, if you want one they are $15.00 and you can e-mail me at mrsburchett@yahoo.com and I will add you to the list.

Thanks so much,

Mommy to Cooper Walker(Melody)

March of Dimes WalkAmerica

Well , yesterday Clay and I went to a kick off party for the walk that will take place in April. We were able to get a lot of information and we are getting geared up to raise monmey in memory of Cooper. If you wouldl ike to donate or walk with us in his memory you can go to www.walkamerica.org/coopersbattle . As is mentioined before we are going to be selling t-shirts to help raise money. I just e-mailed the guy that will be making them for us so I hope to get a picture up of them soon. They will be sold for $15.00 and the money will go towards "Cooper's Troop" for the March of Dimes. You can e-mail me at mrsburchett@yahoo.com and I will add you to the list. I placed a sheet of paper up at work for people to sign up to walk and for t-shirts and the response has been amazing. It is so nice to have such a supportive group of friends and family up there that are here to help us keep Cooper's memory alive.

After talking about it so much at work one of my friends thought about us having a bake sale to help raise money. We have these all the time up at work and it usually brings in a lot of money. I am really excited about speaking with LeBonheur on Monday to see if they will allow us to do a bake sale to help raise money.

Thanks to everyone who has already signed up online and to those who have donated. I will post a picture of the t-shirts as soon as I get them finalized. I plan to sell them up until the walk.

Thanks,
Melody

Mommy to Cooper forever

Walk America

Clay and I have decided to form a team for the March of Dimes Walk America in memory of Cooper. It takes place April 28, 2007 at 9:00 am at Shelby Farms here in Memphis. There are actually walks all over the place but this is the one that takes place in Memphis. We have signed up for a team and it is named "Cooper's Troop". We would love to have a huge group of people come to walk with us so if you live in the Memphis area we would love for you to join us. We would like to get t-shirt's made for everyone to wear and we are going to be checking that out in the next week or so. If you would like to support us whether by walking with us or donating you can go to our webpage at www.walkamerica.org/coopersbattle . I will give more details as I know about them.

Thanks in advance,

Cooper's Mommy and Daddy Forever (Melody and Clay)

Well as many of you know, last Wednesday was Cooper's original due date. Clay and I "celebrated" the day by going to the cemetary and bringing some balloons and a small bear for Coop that said "It's a Boy" and had a baseball in his paw. We tied some of the balloons onto the vase that is there and then released some other balloons so that Cooper could play with them in Heaven. The day for the most part was very peaceful and we are very thankful for that. I definately am very glad that it is another week and we have it behind us for now. I really feel like the weeks leading up to his due date were much worse than the actual day. I think I really had myself worked up about how I would feel on that day. The truth is that I most likely would of had Cooper before his due date because after he was born prematurely they told me that he would have been a huge baby and there was no way I would have gone to term.

We are thankful that we are not just starting this rollercoaster ride with multiple heart surgeries. I would not have wanted him to be repaired at the hospital where I work and I would not of had a choice because he would have been so sick after delivery. Also, the heart surgeon that was consulted after we found out about Cooper's defect has since gone to another hospital to practice so it would have been very difficult to allow someone that I don't know much about care for my child. Clay and I do realize that everything happens for a reason and just pray that in God's perfect timing he will grant us with another full-term, heart healthy child. I know we are asking for a lot but we really feel like the Lord will grant us this :)

Clay and I were able to get away last week to Hot Springs for the weekend. He had a dealer meeting there in celebration of those who sell for Woodson and Bozeman (Clay's company). It was very nice to get away and I was able to get a bath and massage while he was in meetings all day Friday. I am also happy to mention that he recieved the award for Territory Manager of the Year at the meeting!!! I was so proud of his as he didn't start selling until April of last year so he really had a lot of ground to make up for. He is so not proud and kinda just smiled for the picture with his "bronze eagle" and then put it under the table. I on the other hand was extremely excited and have been telling everyone I know.

Thank you soooo much to everyone who sent cards, phoned us and left sweet messages, and sent e-mails letting Clay and I know you were thinking of us last week. We are past one BIG date and feel that we handled it well through the grace of God.

God Bless,
Forever Cooper's Mommy Melody

February 14th is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day
1 in 125 children are born with a congenital heart defect, please help spread awareness and add this button to your blog.

I REMEMBER ……….

I remember … the first positive pregnancy test and the excitement in your Dad’s eyes when I told him
I remember … going to the doctor and seeing you the size of a pea on our first US
I remember … telling all of our family and seeing the shock and excitement they felt
I remember … the 2nd US where we saw your little heart just a beating
I remember … going to Cardiac Kids Camp as a counselor and telling all the kids I was going to be a mother
I remember … hearing your heart beating for the first time on the dopplar and telling the doctor I thought you had a heart murmur (he then told me that it was just because of all the amniotic fluid and to stop worrying)
I remember … the diagnostic US at 19 weeks and being told you were all BOY
I remember … asking about your heart and they told me it was fine
I remember … going to Florida with the girls and buying you a closet full of clothes
I remember … the first time I felt you move, it was so amazing
I remember … having a fetal ECHO just because I was worried and the techs needed practice
I remember … finding out a few weeks later that the tech thought she saw something but being reassured you were heart healthy
I remember … a baby dying at work the next week and feeling so sorry for the parents that were going home to an empty nursery
I remember … Daddy laying next to me in bed with his hands on my belly so he could feel you move
I remember … the tightening feeling I felt on October 15, 2006 and assuming it was Braxton Hicks contractions
I remember … calling the doctor on Monday and being reassured nothing was wrong
I remember … cramping all day on Tuesday October 17, 2006 and calling the doctor again when I got home that evening only to be told again that everything was ok hydrate yourself
I remember … waking up Wednesday morning and still feeling crampy, calling the doctor and insisting they see me
I remember … telling Clay we had a doctor’s appointment and him telling me “you are just trying to get on bedrest”
I remember … calling my friend crying because I just knew something was wrong and no one would take me seriously
I remember … arriving at the doctors office and when they took my blood pressure it was sky high
I remember … sobbing in the room because I just knew something was wrong
I remember … Dr. King checking me and saying “your cervix sure is thin”
I remember … crying some more and having an US to confirm what was going on
I remember … calling your Nana crying and telling her something was wrong
I remember … walking into Methodist Germantown and the nurses were there waiting for me
I remember … being hooked up to the monitor and finally saying, well I think I felt a contraction there and being told they were 2 minutes apart
I remember … on nurse taking a complete history on me and another rushing in to start and iv and place me head down feet up in the bed to get the pressure off my cervix
I remember … them telling me they had to do something because the contractions weren’t stopping
I remember … them starting me on Magnesium sulfate and all of a sudden feeling so sick and hot
I remember … the rollercoaster ride that night and finally getting the contractions somewhat under control
I remember … the us the next day and being told by the tech that I was 6 cm dilated
I remember … them telling me they would have the neonatologist come in and speak with us
I remember … Dr. Jenkins telling us all the statistics of a 24 week baby and that if we didn’t want to do anything that would be ok we could just hold him and allow him to die in our arms, he also informed us a baby would be born within the next 24 hours
I remember … Clay and I sobbing as he left the room because we just could imagine losing you
I remember … my sweet ob Dr. Williams coming in and deciding to check me and actually nothing had changed
I remember … them again trying to get the contractions under control and the nurses having to place oxygen on my face because I was having trouble breathing
I remember … the wonderful nurses in labor and delivery so many of them I knew from school and they were amazing and took such good care of mommy
I remember … being in such a daze while I was on the magnesium and so many of our wonderful friends and family coming to see us everyday
I remember … on October 26 around four o’clock I finally started to feel my contractions and they hurt
I remember … telling the nurses and they told me you would know if you are really in labor
I remember … around 8 o’clock your nana coming to stay with me and your dad leaving for the first time so he could get some good sleep at his parents house
I remember … around midnight taking something for pain and to help me sleep so that I could relax and hopefully the contractions would go away
I remember … waking up in horrible pain at 2 am thinking this has to be it
I remember … your nana calling daddy and telling him to get to the hospital as soon as possible you were on your way
I remember … begging them to put me back on magnesium, anything to keep you from coming
I remember … my water breaking and thinking there is no turning back now
I remember … the nurses asking me what I wanted to do with you and I told them everything because you were going to be such a fighter
I remember … your daddy arriving just in time for me to start pushing and within a few minutes at 3:38 you were born
I remember … waiting to hear you cry and I never did
I remember … them intubating you immediately and rushing you out of the room
I remember … laying there in a fog, I couldn’t believe what had just happened
I remember … the wonderful neonatologist Dr. Joyner coming in to see us and telling us you were already on the oscillator and that you were smaller than we thought 1 pound 5.4 ounces
I remember … being wheeled into the NICU to see you and just crying at your bedside
I remember … the emotional rollercoaster we experienced during the 3 days you were in there
I remember … calling down to the nicu on Saturday October 28th around 5 pm and finding out they were doing an echo because they thought you had a pda (no big deal if so)
I remember … you daddy leaving to go get dinner and the knock on the door that would change our lives forever
I remember … dr. waller the cardiologist from lebonheur where mommy works coming in to see her
I remember … asking him if you had a pda and he had this horrible look on his face, I said “it’s more isn’t it”
I remember … your daddy coming into the room all happy because he didn’t know anything was wrong
I remember … dr. waller explaining to us that you had a horrible heart defect called total anomalous pulmonary venous return
I remember … him telling us you were to small to be operated on and we probably only had 24 – 48 hours with you
I remember … calling down to the nicu to see if we could come see you
I remember … dr. joyner coming to talk to us and telling us we didn’t hace to make a decision at that time
I remember … coming back to the room and just crying all night long
I remember … going to see you in the morning and your oxygen sats were already lower and you just didn’t look very good
I remember … leaving after visiting hours and your dad going to get his hair cut and me waiting with your nana in my room until the unit was open again
I remember … the ringing of my cell phone and the number appearing on the called id, it was the nicu
I remember … dr. Joyner telling me you weren’t doing well, your heart rate was dropping and she wanted me to hold you
I remember … running outgo the room and asking nana to call your dad
I remember … getting into the nicu and there was a rocking chair there waiting for me, the sat probe was already off your foot because it had been so low and your heart rate was in the 70’s
I remember … the amazing feeling I felt when they placed you in my arms and how I wish I could have stayed there forever
I remember … your dad arriving and us both sobbing over you, of singing to you, and daddy telling you everything he had wanted to do with you
I remember … all of our family arriving and everyone having a chance to say good-bye
I remember … you starting to struggle again and me and daddy deciding to let you be with jesus
I remember … allowing the doctor to take your breathing tube out and holding you even more and wishing all of this was a horrible dream
I remember … wrapping you in your blanket and picking out a sweet gown for you
I remember … going back down to see you after our sweet nurse had bathed you and placed you in your sweet gown, and I held you even longer
I remember … having to leave that hospital without you and just wishing that I could change everything
I remember … arriving home and me and your dad just crying all night long
I remember … planning your funeral, I think I was still in shock and don’t remember too much
I remember … walking up to your gravesite and hour before the service and just crying down on my knees for you
I remember … not really wanting to see anybody because I knew their lives were going to go on even though I wished my would not
I remember … crying myself to sleep every night and still doing that today

Oh how I miss my sweet angel. You meant the world to you father and I and you were our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. You were our future and my life does not seem complete since you have been gone. I miss you so much and I don’t know if things are going to get much better. You daddy and I were so ready to nurture and sweet baby and now all those plans are on hold. Yes, by the grace of god hopefully in his perfect timing we will be blessed with another child but you will never be replaced. You were my first child and my life will never be the same. I have been inducted into a club that I wish didn’t exist. Until we meet again my sweet Cooper walker I love you with all my heart and you took a piece of it with you when you left.

Forever your mommy,
Melody

Time Moves On

Well, I have officially made it through 2 weeks back at work full-time. There are times when I am up there that I think there is no way that I will be able to come back another day, and then there are other times when I think just maybe, I will make it. I think more than just taking care of sick kids in the PICU and trying to comfort families when I still need comforting is the fact that I have to see everyone again. The heart surgeon that was consulted for Cooper, the cardiologist that came into the room Saturday night the 28th of October to tell me the news that would shatter all of my hopes and dreams and the ECHO techs that performed Cooper's fetal ECHO at 21 weeks gestation just because I was paranoid and they wanted extra practice, where I was told later that everything looked great. I am definitely not mad at anyone but it is just so hard to go back there. I just don't know how long I am going to be able to handle it. All 3 days last week my patients parents asked me if I had any children. It really caught me a little off guard at first but I managed to tell them that I didn't have any living children but that I had a little boy in Heaven. It was so hard though. I hate having to tell people that. It would just be a lot easier to say, no that I don't have any children but then I would feel like I was dishonoring Cooper. I also feel like I am under a huge microscope at work. Everyone is so supportive and worries about me but on most days I feel like I am just going through the motions.

I do have an appointment with the Perinatologist this Thursday for preconception counseling. After we went for my 6 week check-up with my regular OB she suggested that I do this. I am somewhat anxious about what he is going to tell me will be necessary next time we want a baby. Nothing is ever going to be easy or enjoyable with a pregnancy again. I don't care how many ultrasounds I have next time or how many monitoring tools I don't think I will be able to relax and completely be happy about another baby until they are in my arms safe and sound. I am not sure how long we are going to wait to try again but we have just decided that we are going to turn that over to God. We have just been praying that whenever God is ready for us to get pregnant again that he grant us with a healthy baby next time. We would much rather wait a year or so to get pregnant again then have to go through another loss. I told Clay that is something goes wrong next time that I am DONE. There is absolutely no way that I could handle doing this again and I can just trust that God will not give me more that I can handle. (Even though I thought this was more than I could handle :) )

Well thank you for those of you who continue to pray for us and please continue to think of us as we try to get through Cooper's due date which is February 7th. I would be 36 weeks pregnant today. Clay and I were so looking forward to becoming parents and now instead of holding and loving a baby we are grieving the loss of Cooper and buying new flowers for his grave site. Thanks for listening.

Forever Mommy to Cooper Walker Burchett

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
And all of your care
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place

You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

By: John Mooney

What Make's a Mother

I found this poem on someone's caring bridge site. She is a mother of another heart baby that also had TAPVR. He passed in January of 2005.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say; A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies and when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say; "We go on earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me Oh! so much that I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy Oh! so much, but I visit every day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are not blue. Your babies are here in MY home and they'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you. So now you see what makes a Mother and it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you a Mother until their time is done; they'll be up here with Me one day and they'll know you were the best one!!!

By Jennifer Wasik in Memory of Zachary

Hi Daddy, it’s me, Your baby boy in the sky.
Won’t you tell me Daddy, why does my Mommy cry?

Doesn’t she know I’m happy here? Heaven’s a beautiful place.
Oh, how it hurts me, Daddy To see tears streaming down Mommy’s face.

Daddy, tell her I’m much better here, Jesus fixed my heart.
But when I see Mommy crying, It just about tears it apart.

I know it hurt you both, Daddy, When Jesus took me away.
But you and mommy remember, We’ll be together again someday.

I can’t wait to hug you, I never got the chance before.
When it’s time for you to come, I’ll be waiting at Heaven’s door.

Then you’ll both understand, Jesus knew where I needed to be.
What a marvelous place to live, Just wait and you both shall see.

Please let my Mommy know, Daddy, That I heard every word she said.
And I remember her softly touching me As I lay in that hospital bed.

Just one more thing, Daddy, Before I have to go
I love you both very much And just wanted you to know.

Author Unknown

Going back to the PICU

Well, after speaking with my nursing director last week, she suggested that I try to go back to work this last Monday. After turning in my paperwork and getting the OK through associate health to return to work I decided that I needed to make the dreadful first step and walk back into the unit for the first time. When I left associate health, I saw one of the attendings that I work with and he just hugged me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry and told him that I was OK and that I was trying to make it back into the unit. He told me how much they had missed me and told me to just take it slow. Then I called into the unit and talked to one of my friends that was working that day and told her that I didn't think I could make it into the unit. She came downstairs where I was and waited for me until I was ready to walk in. I knew that once I got in there things would be better, it was just the initial shock of having to go in there for the first time since everything has happened. I have not walked into an ICU since I was in the NICU with Cooper and it was hard to see all the babies lying there intubated and the families at their bedsides but I did get through it. I went back on Tuesday and was able to stay for about 6 hours and just kinda tasked and helped people out. I still have not taken a patient assignment, I have just been trying to take things easy. I did help admit back a post-op heart patient on Tuesday and that was kinda hard because he was 2 months old and just so sweet lying there. I just couldn't help but wish that was Cooper. I know that I didn't really want him to have to go through open-heart surgery but I would have done it if I had the option. Today, when I went in there I did not stay as long because we weren't as busy so I was able to allow my mind to wander, which is not a good thing :) We were trying to get a patient transferred to the NICU and were unable to because they had a patient that was dying. The thought of it just brought back a flood of emotions and I left not long after hearing that. I just couldn't help but think that I was in the same shoes as those parents not long ago and how can I be back here at work so soon? I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that by going back to work I am moving on with my life. I am having to start a new chapter and get out of the house on a regular basis and have a set schedule. I really enjoyed staying at home and moping around in my pj's. I know I can't do that forever and I know going back to work is the best thing for me but it is really hard at the same time. I am not sure whether or not I am going to go in tomorrow, we will just see how I feel in the morning.

Love,
Mommy to Cooper Walker

6-week check-up

Well today I had my six-week check-up and things went well. It was hard going back into the office knowing that I was going to see all of the nurses again that had been there for me when I was going into pre-term labor. The last time Clay and I were headed to that office "I" knew something was wrong and no one would listen to me. It's ok though because I know deep down that everyone involved did everything possible to keep him in there :) I was able to speak with my OB for a long time and she answered a lot of my questions. Clay and I plan on making an appointment with a perinatologist after the first of the year to make sure that his opinions coincide with my OB. She referred me to the same perinatologist that I saw when I was in the hospital and I really like him and felt that he was very respectful to my worries about certain meds he wanted to administer.

After we went to the doctor we went by the cemetery and I was happy to see that Cooper's Christmas tree was still standing considering how windy it has been here in Memphis lately. We were supposed to go by this week to order his headstone but we still aren't certain what we want to put on it so that is why we have not done so yet. I told Clay that we need to do it by next week because I don't want to keep putting it off. Well I guess I am going to go.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy to Cooper Walker

Congenital Heart Defect Facts and Statistics

*Congenital heart defects are America’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.
*Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.
*This year almost 40,000 babies will be born with a congenital heart defect. 4,000 of them will not live to see their first birthday.
*In the U.S., twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.
*91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.
*The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.
*Congenital heart defects occur frequently and are often life threatening, yet research into them is grossly under funded.
*In the last decade death rates for congenital heart defects have declined by almost 30% due to advances made through research.
*More than 50% of all children born with a congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.
*There are 35 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most them. There is not yet a cure for any of them.

Funding Statistics
*Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation is the only organization strictly created to fund congenital heart defect research.
*Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation has directed almost $2 million to 24 different congenital heart defect research projects.

“ ***Facts and Statistics courtesy of the Children’s Heart Foundation***”

Cooper's Heart Defect

I just wanted to post a little more information on Congenital Heart Defects and clear up some questions that I have recieved from multiple people about the reason that Cooper passed away. The reason that I went into pre-term labor did not have anything to do with what was wrong with Cooper's heart. Babies hearts are formed in-utero between the 7th and 8th week of pregnancy, lot's of time's before women even know they are pregnant. There is nothing that a mom can do to prevent her child from being born with a heart defect and it does not cause pre-term delivery. My doctor's are not exactly sure why I went into pre-term labor with Cooper but sometimes I like to think that since God knew Cooper's heart wan't perfect that he wanted to protect us all and not allow Cooper to suffer so that is why He wanted me to go into PTL. It would have been very difficult on Clay and I to have to put Cooper through heart surgery. I know too much about it and I have seen a lot of good outcomes and a lot of bad one's. With Cooper's condition since his pulmonary veins were connected to his portal vein it would have been a very difficult surgery. Now don't get me wrong if I could do it all over again and have more time with him I would do it. Had I been able to keep him in me until term he WOULD have undergone surgery to try and correct his heart. I would do everything in my power to be able to hold him and bring him home one day. I would greatly take all the cardiology appointments, medication delivery, long stays in the ICU, and multiple trips to the ER if I could have Cooper at home with Clay and I but I just realize that God had another plan in mind. I just wanted to make sure that everyone understood that even if Cooper had been born full-term he still would have had his heart defect and on the other hand his heart defect was not the reason he was born early. Thanks for listening, I know things are confusing I just thought this may help clear up some questions :)

Melody

Well Clay and I have been getting along OK. He had to do a lot of catching-up at work this last week so he traveled 3 days. I just stayed at home and got things done around here. Yesterday we went and purchased a small tree to place out at the cemetary for Cooper. We got some ornaments to put on the tree and placed it where his headstone will eventually go. We also spoke with the funeral director and looked at some more markers. I found some that I liked, but now we just need to try and decide what we want to say on the marker and then we are going to order it. I was hoping that we would have it out my his due date which was February 7th, but I don't think that is going to happen because the man told us that with the Holiday's it is taking between 12-14 weeks to get them in. Oh Well, I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference. It is so cold here in Memphis right now and so Clay and I didn't stay very long at the cemetary.

I was supposed to go and speak with my nurse manager this week so I can talk to her about what I am going to do about my job but I just keep putting it off. I have to go by next week though because I need to make a decision about what I am going to do. I know that it is going to be hard to go back to the PICU but I think hte hardest part is going to be seeing everyone that is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. As a nurse, I have always had to not get too emotionally involved with patients and their families so that I could stay sain so I think that will be the same. I wish I could just wait and not go back until March because then everyone would be on maternity leave but I know that I need to go back before that.

I have my 6 week check-up with my OB this coming week and Clay is going to go with me because we have a lot of questions for my doctor. We also want to ask her how long we need to wait until we try to have a baby again. I know that we are by no means ready yet but I am such a planner I would like to have her professional opinion. We are also going to meet with a perinatologist before we try again to discuss what they feel we will have to do next time to try and have a healthy full-term baby. I told Clay that I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. I loved being pregnant. I was never sick and I felt great. I was doing good on weight gain adn I loved feeling Cooper kick and keep me up at night. I guess that is what makes this so much harder. Not only am I mourning the death of my son but also of my pregnancy. I so wanted to have pictures this Christmas of Clay and I and my big belly. Well anyways, there is not much going on with us besides us just trying to cope and getting on with life.
Thanks to everyone that has posted such sweet comments, it is nice to come here and realize that so many people are still thinking about us :)