Going back to the PICU

Well, after speaking with my nursing director last week, she suggested that I try to go back to work this last Monday. After turning in my paperwork and getting the OK through associate health to return to work I decided that I needed to make the dreadful first step and walk back into the unit for the first time. When I left associate health, I saw one of the attendings that I work with and he just hugged me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry and told him that I was OK and that I was trying to make it back into the unit. He told me how much they had missed me and told me to just take it slow. Then I called into the unit and talked to one of my friends that was working that day and told her that I didn't think I could make it into the unit. She came downstairs where I was and waited for me until I was ready to walk in. I knew that once I got in there things would be better, it was just the initial shock of having to go in there for the first time since everything has happened. I have not walked into an ICU since I was in the NICU with Cooper and it was hard to see all the babies lying there intubated and the families at their bedsides but I did get through it. I went back on Tuesday and was able to stay for about 6 hours and just kinda tasked and helped people out. I still have not taken a patient assignment, I have just been trying to take things easy. I did help admit back a post-op heart patient on Tuesday and that was kinda hard because he was 2 months old and just so sweet lying there. I just couldn't help but wish that was Cooper. I know that I didn't really want him to have to go through open-heart surgery but I would have done it if I had the option. Today, when I went in there I did not stay as long because we weren't as busy so I was able to allow my mind to wander, which is not a good thing :) We were trying to get a patient transferred to the NICU and were unable to because they had a patient that was dying. The thought of it just brought back a flood of emotions and I left not long after hearing that. I just couldn't help but think that I was in the same shoes as those parents not long ago and how can I be back here at work so soon? I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that by going back to work I am moving on with my life. I am having to start a new chapter and get out of the house on a regular basis and have a set schedule. I really enjoyed staying at home and moping around in my pj's. I know I can't do that forever and I know going back to work is the best thing for me but it is really hard at the same time. I am not sure whether or not I am going to go in tomorrow, we will just see how I feel in the morning.

Love,
Mommy to Cooper Walker