Burchett Blessing's

I REMEMBER ……….

I remember … the first positive pregnancy test and the excitement in your Dad’s eyes when I told him
I remember … going to the doctor and seeing you the size of a pea on our first US
I remember … telling all of our family and seeing the shock and excitement they felt
I remember … the 2nd US where we saw your little heart just a beating
I remember … going to Cardiac Kids Camp as a counselor and telling all the kids I was going to be a mother
I remember … hearing your heart beating for the first time on the dopplar and telling the doctor I thought you had a heart murmur (he then told me that it was just because of all the amniotic fluid and to stop worrying)
I remember … the diagnostic US at 19 weeks and being told you were all BOY
I remember … asking about your heart and they told me it was fine
I remember … going to Florida with the girls and buying you a closet full of clothes
I remember … the first time I felt you move, it was so amazing
I remember … having a fetal ECHO just because I was worried and the techs needed practice
I remember … finding out a few weeks later that the tech thought she saw something but being reassured you were heart healthy
I remember … a baby dying at work the next week and feeling so sorry for the parents that were going home to an empty nursery
I remember … Daddy laying next to me in bed with his hands on my belly so he could feel you move
I remember … the tightening feeling I felt on October 15, 2006 and assuming it was Braxton Hicks contractions
I remember … calling the doctor on Monday and being reassured nothing was wrong
I remember … cramping all day on Tuesday October 17, 2006 and calling the doctor again when I got home that evening only to be told again that everything was ok hydrate yourself
I remember … waking up Wednesday morning and still feeling crampy, calling the doctor and insisting they see me
I remember … telling Clay we had a doctor’s appointment and him telling me “you are just trying to get on bedrest”
I remember … calling my friend crying because I just knew something was wrong and no one would take me seriously
I remember … arriving at the doctors office and when they took my blood pressure it was sky high
I remember … sobbing in the room because I just knew something was wrong
I remember … Dr. King checking me and saying “your cervix sure is thin”
I remember … crying some more and having an US to confirm what was going on
I remember … calling your Nana crying and telling her something was wrong
I remember … walking into Methodist Germantown and the nurses were there waiting for me
I remember … being hooked up to the monitor and finally saying, well I think I felt a contraction there and being told they were 2 minutes apart
I remember … on nurse taking a complete history on me and another rushing in to start and iv and place me head down feet up in the bed to get the pressure off my cervix
I remember … them telling me they had to do something because the contractions weren’t stopping
I remember … them starting me on Magnesium sulfate and all of a sudden feeling so sick and hot
I remember … the rollercoaster ride that night and finally getting the contractions somewhat under control
I remember … the us the next day and being told by the tech that I was 6 cm dilated
I remember … them telling me they would have the neonatologist come in and speak with us
I remember … Dr. Jenkins telling us all the statistics of a 24 week baby and that if we didn’t want to do anything that would be ok we could just hold him and allow him to die in our arms, he also informed us a baby would be born within the next 24 hours
I remember … Clay and I sobbing as he left the room because we just could imagine losing you
I remember … my sweet ob Dr. Williams coming in and deciding to check me and actually nothing had changed
I remember … them again trying to get the contractions under control and the nurses having to place oxygen on my face because I was having trouble breathing
I remember … the wonderful nurses in labor and delivery so many of them I knew from school and they were amazing and took such good care of mommy
I remember … being in such a daze while I was on the magnesium and so many of our wonderful friends and family coming to see us everyday
I remember … on October 26 around four o’clock I finally started to feel my contractions and they hurt
I remember … telling the nurses and they told me you would know if you are really in labor
I remember … around 8 o’clock your nana coming to stay with me and your dad leaving for the first time so he could get some good sleep at his parents house
I remember … around midnight taking something for pain and to help me sleep so that I could relax and hopefully the contractions would go away
I remember … waking up in horrible pain at 2 am thinking this has to be it
I remember … your nana calling daddy and telling him to get to the hospital as soon as possible you were on your way
I remember … begging them to put me back on magnesium, anything to keep you from coming
I remember … my water breaking and thinking there is no turning back now
I remember … the nurses asking me what I wanted to do with you and I told them everything because you were going to be such a fighter
I remember … your daddy arriving just in time for me to start pushing and within a few minutes at 3:38 you were born
I remember … waiting to hear you cry and I never did
I remember … them intubating you immediately and rushing you out of the room
I remember … laying there in a fog, I couldn’t believe what had just happened
I remember … the wonderful neonatologist Dr. Joyner coming in to see us and telling us you were already on the oscillator and that you were smaller than we thought 1 pound 5.4 ounces
I remember … being wheeled into the NICU to see you and just crying at your bedside
I remember … the emotional rollercoaster we experienced during the 3 days you were in there
I remember … calling down to the nicu on Saturday October 28th around 5 pm and finding out they were doing an echo because they thought you had a pda (no big deal if so)
I remember … you daddy leaving to go get dinner and the knock on the door that would change our lives forever
I remember … dr. waller the cardiologist from lebonheur where mommy works coming in to see her
I remember … asking him if you had a pda and he had this horrible look on his face, I said “it’s more isn’t it”
I remember … your daddy coming into the room all happy because he didn’t know anything was wrong
I remember … dr. waller explaining to us that you had a horrible heart defect called total anomalous pulmonary venous return
I remember … him telling us you were to small to be operated on and we probably only had 24 – 48 hours with you
I remember … calling down to the nicu to see if we could come see you
I remember … dr. joyner coming to talk to us and telling us we didn’t hace to make a decision at that time
I remember … coming back to the room and just crying all night long
I remember … going to see you in the morning and your oxygen sats were already lower and you just didn’t look very good
I remember … leaving after visiting hours and your dad going to get his hair cut and me waiting with your nana in my room until the unit was open again
I remember … the ringing of my cell phone and the number appearing on the called id, it was the nicu
I remember … dr. Joyner telling me you weren’t doing well, your heart rate was dropping and she wanted me to hold you
I remember … running outgo the room and asking nana to call your dad
I remember … getting into the nicu and there was a rocking chair there waiting for me, the sat probe was already off your foot because it had been so low and your heart rate was in the 70’s
I remember … the amazing feeling I felt when they placed you in my arms and how I wish I could have stayed there forever
I remember … your dad arriving and us both sobbing over you, of singing to you, and daddy telling you everything he had wanted to do with you
I remember … all of our family arriving and everyone having a chance to say good-bye
I remember … you starting to struggle again and me and daddy deciding to let you be with jesus
I remember … allowing the doctor to take your breathing tube out and holding you even more and wishing all of this was a horrible dream
I remember … wrapping you in your blanket and picking out a sweet gown for you
I remember … going back down to see you after our sweet nurse had bathed you and placed you in your sweet gown, and I held you even longer
I remember … having to leave that hospital without you and just wishing that I could change everything
I remember … arriving home and me and your dad just crying all night long
I remember … planning your funeral, I think I was still in shock and don’t remember too much
I remember … walking up to your gravesite and hour before the service and just crying down on my knees for you
I remember … not really wanting to see anybody because I knew their lives were going to go on even though I wished my would not
I remember … crying myself to sleep every night and still doing that today

Oh how I miss my sweet angel. You meant the world to you father and I and you were our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. You were our future and my life does not seem complete since you have been gone. I miss you so much and I don’t know if things are going to get much better. You daddy and I were so ready to nurture and sweet baby and now all those plans are on hold. Yes, by the grace of god hopefully in his perfect timing we will be blessed with another child but you will never be replaced. You were my first child and my life will never be the same. I have been inducted into a club that I wish didn’t exist. Until we meet again my sweet Cooper walker I love you with all my heart and you took a piece of it with you when you left.

Forever your mommy,
Melody