5 years ...

This time 5 years ago, I said good-bye to my precious first born son. Our world was rocked within a 2 week period and I have been forever changed because of it. I will never forget the day that I knew something was wrong. I just had one of those "Mother's intuition" moments and was well aware that the crampy feeling I was having couldn't be normal at 24 weeks pregnant. After trying to push those feeling aside for 2 days, I decided to go into the office and get things checked. I remember being so upset with Clay because he kept telling me I just wanted to be off work. I remember him calling his dealer on the way to the office and telling him he would be a little late because his wife was going in to get things checked out but all would be fine. I remember them checking my blood pressure and it was so very high and then thoughts of pre-eclampsia started creeping in to my head. I was so upset that they wanted to "check" me because I didn't want it to send me into labor! Ha, I had no idea but I already was in labor. I remember the look on his face, and then he told me we needed to check on the baby via ultrasound. I remember calling my mom while in the restroom just after having my ultrasound and crying knowing things were not going to end well. I will never forget him calling me into his office and telling me that work was over for this pregnancy and that he was admitting me directly to L & D to see if they could stop my contractions. I knew things weren't right, I knew deep down how big of a deal this all was but I don't think I really "got it". I asked them if we could stop on the way and get some Chick-fil-A, I was hungry and wanted to eat before getting settled in L & D but of course they told me to head straight to Methodist Germantown and not to stop. How silly of me to think that would be possible. Looking back, I think I was just numb at that point.

I remember them having a wheelchair waiting for me at the door to L & D and then it began to hit me how grave my situation was. They didn't want me walking anymore than necessary. The room I was ushered to was quickly filled with nurses and doctors quickly placing an IV, starting meds that made me feel like I was burning from the inside out, (the dreaded Magnesium Sulfate) and flipping me to where my head was lower than my legs. Anything to help get pressure off my cervix. My contractions were coming in intervals of 2-5 minutes and I think Clay and I both at this point just felt that the world was spinning around us while we were just standing still. The next 9 days were pretty much a blur. I was on and off of Mag, started on a terbutaline pump, stopped the terbutaline pump, started on by mouth procardia, and back on the Mag drip. I moved rooms on 3 different occasions and had lots and lots of support from precious friends and family. Clay got really good at turning me since the Mag Sulfate is a muscle relaxer, I was unable to barely keep my eyes open much less move, so, instead of calling for my nurses and driving them crazy every few hours, Clay would wake up in a stupor to position me to my liking.

He was my rock, he cried with me when the Neonatologist gave us his impression and suggestion about what to do once Cooper was born, and he never left my side .... that is, until the evening of October 26th. He was finally going to attempt to get a decent nights sleep just 10 minutes down the road at his parents house. Mom came to stay the night with me and I am sure it was a night she will never forget. I started having consistent contractions around 8:00 and was given a bolus of fluids and then before long I knew things were different. When my nurse changed shifts at 11:00 the oncoming nurse, who had taken care of me on multiple occasions, could tell that things weren't right.

We phoned for Clay to come back and shortly after my water broke. I knew there was no turning back now. I was worried again because it seemed like there was a lot of fluid and I thought it seemed like too much. My doctor soon arrived and Clay was just behind her. At 3:38 am on October 27, tiny 1 lb 5.4 ounce Cooper Walker was born into the world. I remember the nurse asking me what I wanted done and I told her everything because Clay and I hadn't had a chance to talk about it. Things had been going so well.

Cooper was quickly intubated and the precious NICU doctor whisked him away to the NICU but was updating around the clock. I was able to get out of the bed for the first time in 9 days and I remember being so dizzy from being almost upside down the whole time. I remember going into the NICU and seeing my tiny little first born hooked up to all kinds of machines. The same machines I used at work with on a daily basis, but I was looking at them from a totally different perspective now. I was no longer the nurse in charge of those big machines, I was a frail little mother that had just given birth to a tiny miracle that I would have given my life for to trade places with him.

Again the next 48 hours were a bit crazy between friends coming by to see me and not knowing whether to congratulate me on his birth or tell me they were sorry. On Saturday evening, the 28th there was a dreaded knock on the door and in walked Dr. Waller, a cardiologist from Le Bonheur. Clay had just left to get us dinner so he told me he would wait. I knew they were scanning Cooper's heart because thy had heard a heart murmur when they were doing his assessment but I really didn't think anything of it. I'd had a fetal ECHO before he was born and it looked fine so why was there reason to worry. When Clay got back he informed us that Cooper had Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return, TAPVR. His defect combined with his early delivery was incompatible with life. He was too small to go on the by-pass machine needed for heart surgery and the risks were just too high with him being so small. We were devastated. We called family and close friends to share the news. We just clung to each other and again, Clay was my rock. Our first born, Clay's little boy that we had so many dreams and aspirations for, all of it was clouded now with this news. Within 12 hours, he had really started to go downhill and Clay and I both agreed we didn't want him to suffer. Clay left again, for only the 2nd time in order to get a hair cut before making any decisions the following day. Around lunch time, the doctor from the NICU called frantically telling me Cooper was not doing well and I needed to get down there ASAP. Mom called Clay and he came back immediately and met me in the NICU where I sat motionless holding Cooper in my arms.

Thankfully, we all got a chance to say our "see you later's" because I know he will be the first smiling face I see when I walk through those gates. I still miss him like crazy but I am also so very thankful for all his precious little life taught me. I am a better mom, nurse, wife and friend because of his life. I don't take things for granted and I feel like I look at life a bit differently. I know how these mom's feel at work that just long to hold their babies while they are hooked up to machines and I also know what it's like to have your child go from your arms to our Heavenly Father. The main thing that helped me get through all of this is my relationship with Christ. I can't imagine not having the forethought that I would see my precious Cooper again. I know I will and I know he is full and whole and just perfect up in Heaven.

I can't stop there though because I realize that I must explain the reason I know I will see Cooper again, I would be completely remiss if I didn't share the wonderful news of salvation with you right now. Do you know where you'll spend eternity when you take your final breath here on earth? There are only two choices: Heaven or Hell. The Bible makes it very clear that in order to spend eternity in Heaven, you must accept Jesus as your Savior.

That means:


1). You acknowledge that you are a sinner and repent. (It is sin that separates us from God. There is no sin in Heaven, and since we, as humans, are born sinners, we can't take away our own sin. No one can be that perfect. We need a savior - which is great because, I know one!!! Let me introduce you to him -- see #2!)


2). You acknowledge that Jesus is God's only son, who came to earth in fleshly form. He was born sinless and NEVER, ever sinned (even during the age of two and his teen-age years!). His divine destiny from the beginning of time was to take on the burden of your sin, and of my sin, so that we would have the opportunity to live forever with Him after death.


3). You acknowledge that Jesus died on the cross for your sin. Not just died...it was an incredibly painful death. He was beaten, scourged and near death when he was hung naked from a cross, on probably the darkest, saddest day the world has ever known. (But this is not where it ends...Oh no, it just keeps getting better!)


4). You acknowledge that Jesus rose again on the third day. (A tomb couldn't keep him from YOU! He loves you so much!!! He rose again "Oh grave, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?" He's waiting so patiently for you to come to Him! The love, peace and joy that will fill you, is the same that causes me to rejoice though tragedy! I'm not alone and will never be alone. I'm forever a child of The King. And, one day, I will live forever in His Kingdom! "Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be!")

Farmer's Market

On Wednesday afternoons, the kids and I have been heading to the Farmer's Market after picking Little Love up at school. On may occasions I have picked up some great vegetables for dinners and we always seem to enjoy an Italian Ice that is made locally. I love supporting our local farmers and the kids have a great time running around with their friends. Sadly, today was the last day for it until next year but I am sure we will be able to find something else fun to do until then.

Little Love's School Field Trip

Today I went with LIttle Love and her classmates on their field trip to a local Pumpkin Patch. It was so fun getting to see her interact with all her friends that I hear so much about when she gets home form school. We started off letting the kids play on the playground they had at the church where the Pumpkin Patch was and then it was time for storytime and snack. Ms. Ginger, their music teacher, whose daughter is also in their class, went with us and read them the story. They were so cute just listening so intently to her read and mimicking all the sounds in the book. Afterwards, it was time to pick out pumpkins. Everyone got a small pumpkin to take home and then it was time to head back to school. I was so glad I was able to spend this special time with my Little Love while Little Man was snoozin the morning away at home with Daddy.

Can't get enough of these 2 ...

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A Big Day

Today was a big day for Little Love. The day finally arrived for her to be a Flower Girl in Clay's cousin's wedding. I was so nervous for her but she did such a great job. She was so precious walking down the aisle with Carter, the little ring bearer and although she was a little antsy down front during the wedding, I think she did pretty good for a 3 year old. Especially one that missed her nap and had been at the church since about 1:45 for a 5:00 wedding! I was so proud of her and thought she looked like the most precious little angel in her little white dress and curls.

Practice Makes Perfect

Tomorrow, Little Love is going to be a flower girl for the 1st time. Tonight, we had the rehearsal and I thought she was going to burst from excitement on the way there. She was so excited to walk down the aisle and throw her flowers. I'm excited and nervous for her tomorrow, it's going to be a long day seeing as both Clay and I are working tonight and have to be up tomorrow to get her ready for a long day. We can't wait though to watch Indie and Cody get married and wish them a lifetime of happiness.

Homemade Applesauce

I saw a pin on pinterest for Homemade Applesauce so decided to give it a try. We did the peach-apple applesauce and it is so yummy. Both kids have just devoured it and we are already on our 2nd quart in less than a week. Love pinterest!!



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Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today was Clay's birthday. We celebrated with dinner at Central Barbecue, per Little Love's request. I made white cupcakes with milk chocolate frosting and we had a great time with family.

We bought him some lounge/work-out pants and then my mom and I got him a new putter. He also got a new weed eater and some new hair clippers from his parents and brother. Great gifts that he actually needed! So thankful to share my life with this man and can't wait to see what year #31 holds in store for you!!

There goes my heart ...

Yes, I may be a little dramatic but I wanted to make sure I wrote this down to remember. Tonight, for the first time ever, I let Little Love spend the night with her Gigi. We had gone out to dinner for Clay's birthday and she kept insisting that she wanted to spend the night with Poppy and Gigi and since it is Fall break, things just fell in place. To be honest, watching her drive away and blow me kisses made my heart a bit sad, but, I know she will have a great time and will be back in the morning. She is just the sweetest little girl in the whole world and made sure to let me know before leaving in her sweet little voice, "Momma, you know how much I love you? To the Sun, and back again", just like I tell her every night, besides she got the Sun and Moon a bit mixed up :) Love her precious little heart!!

A fun giveaway!

A local gal is hosting a great giveaway for some fabulous Burlap Door Hangers. I love all things festive for my front door and I would love to win this contest. Check out her etsy site to see all the great options and if you want to enter, click on over to facebook and "Like" her page.

Shopping for Daddy

We went shopping at the golf store for Daddy's upcoming birthday. Little Man loved playing with the golf clubs but was a little unsure of the feel of the turn on his knees :)




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Happy Birthday Sonya!!

On Wednesday, I met up with some of my girlfriends from work to celebrate Sonya's 30th Birthday!! We met at Newk's in Collierville and it was so yummy. Sonya is such a special friend and means so much to Clay and I. She is one of the most giving people I know and we have just grown closer over the last couple years. We actually go way back to the days at Crump Elementary, but reconnected through work since being at Le Bonheur. I love you sweet friend and I am so thankful for your precious friendship!!




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A Day at the Zoo

We have had such gorgeous weather lately and decided that we must take advantage of it while we still can. With Clay's new job, which I still don't think I have even blogged about, our time spent together during the day is precious and few and far between. I know this is just a season and we have so much to be thankful for that I just won't let it get me down.

Anyways, we had a fabulous day at the Zoo and enjoyed seeing all the animals and making it to the sea lion show. Little Love's most favorite thing about our Zoo. Little Man is really starting to enjoy it too and loves to look at whatever sissy is interested in. Here's hoping there are many more trips there in the near future before the weather turns too cool.

The Pumpkin Patch

Today we headed over to the Pumpkin Patch at 2nd Baptist Church. We have gone every year to this same patch since Little Love was born. The pumpkins are always great and they have a great selection. And, it's always a plus that the money goes towards the teenagers for their mission trips. A win win situation. Little Love knows all about this patch because this is where she takes her art class and so she has been begging to go since they started putting the pumpkins out.

I was trying to get a cute pic of the kids together but we went just after lunch and the sun was pretty bright so we may have to make a return trip in order to get some more pictures.

Family Pictures

Click on over to our fabulous photographer's page, Elizabeth Wiggs, and you can get a preview of our most recent family photos. These were Little Man's 1 year pictures and I am more than pleased. Elizabeth did a fabulous job and she had quite the crew to work with. Little Love was sassy as always and thought she was done smiling and performing after about 5 pics but, we pushed through and I am so happy with the outcome. Can't wait to see the rest of them!!

Girls Night

On Tuesday, my in-laws came out to watch the kids while Clay was working so I could go to a Paint Party with some girls from work. It was so much fun and although I am super OCD and I'm not overly impressed with my painting, I had a great time catching up with these sweet friends and having an evening to myself.











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Just the 2 of us ...

I try and have special 1:1 time with the kids each week. On Mondays after school I like to take Little Love to get an after school snack and lately she's been choosing ice cream.

I think it's so important for us to have these few moments where it's just us because for the first almost 3 years of her life, she didn't have to share the spotlight with anyone.

I love to just pick her little brain and talk about how her day was. There is never a lull in conversation topics when it comes to this precious 3 1/2 year old!!




As far as Little Man, I have tried to make a point on Wednesday's when sister is in school to do something fun for him. We went to the bookstore last week and just played and read books and it was so nice to not have to share my time with anyone else than this precious 1 year old!




They grow up so fast that I am trying to relish in these precious moments but I will say these are also some hard years. It's not all roses around here. Just didn't want to give the wrong impression. :)



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Enjoying a beautiful day

Love these kids and all this gorgeous weather we have been having lately!!

An upgrade

For Little Man's birthday, we asked Clay's parents for money to help purchase a new carseat so that we could move Little Man out of his infant carrier. If I remember correctly, we didn't move Little Love until she was around 18 months but I think he is taller than she was and his feet were starting to stick out of the carrier.

I ordered the new seat off Amazon and ended up placing Little Man in Little Love's old seat and ordering her the new one. Her Britax only goes up to 40lb. since it's a compact convertible so I felt it was perfect for his size.

Both kids seem excited about their new carseats and I love looking in the rear view mirror to see them holding hands. Such precious kids. Love them!!









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