Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
And all of your care
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place

You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

By: John Mooney

What Make's a Mother

I found this poem on someone's caring bridge site. She is a mother of another heart baby that also had TAPVR. He passed in January of 2005.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say; A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies and when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say; "We go on earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me Oh! so much that I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy Oh! so much, but I visit every day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are not blue. Your babies are here in MY home and they'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you. So now you see what makes a Mother and it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you a Mother until their time is done; they'll be up here with Me one day and they'll know you were the best one!!!

By Jennifer Wasik in Memory of Zachary

Hi Daddy, it’s me, Your baby boy in the sky.
Won’t you tell me Daddy, why does my Mommy cry?

Doesn’t she know I’m happy here? Heaven’s a beautiful place.
Oh, how it hurts me, Daddy To see tears streaming down Mommy’s face.

Daddy, tell her I’m much better here, Jesus fixed my heart.
But when I see Mommy crying, It just about tears it apart.

I know it hurt you both, Daddy, When Jesus took me away.
But you and mommy remember, We’ll be together again someday.

I can’t wait to hug you, I never got the chance before.
When it’s time for you to come, I’ll be waiting at Heaven’s door.

Then you’ll both understand, Jesus knew where I needed to be.
What a marvelous place to live, Just wait and you both shall see.

Please let my Mommy know, Daddy, That I heard every word she said.
And I remember her softly touching me As I lay in that hospital bed.

Just one more thing, Daddy, Before I have to go
I love you both very much And just wanted you to know.

Author Unknown

Going back to the PICU

Well, after speaking with my nursing director last week, she suggested that I try to go back to work this last Monday. After turning in my paperwork and getting the OK through associate health to return to work I decided that I needed to make the dreadful first step and walk back into the unit for the first time. When I left associate health, I saw one of the attendings that I work with and he just hugged me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry and told him that I was OK and that I was trying to make it back into the unit. He told me how much they had missed me and told me to just take it slow. Then I called into the unit and talked to one of my friends that was working that day and told her that I didn't think I could make it into the unit. She came downstairs where I was and waited for me until I was ready to walk in. I knew that once I got in there things would be better, it was just the initial shock of having to go in there for the first time since everything has happened. I have not walked into an ICU since I was in the NICU with Cooper and it was hard to see all the babies lying there intubated and the families at their bedsides but I did get through it. I went back on Tuesday and was able to stay for about 6 hours and just kinda tasked and helped people out. I still have not taken a patient assignment, I have just been trying to take things easy. I did help admit back a post-op heart patient on Tuesday and that was kinda hard because he was 2 months old and just so sweet lying there. I just couldn't help but wish that was Cooper. I know that I didn't really want him to have to go through open-heart surgery but I would have done it if I had the option. Today, when I went in there I did not stay as long because we weren't as busy so I was able to allow my mind to wander, which is not a good thing :) We were trying to get a patient transferred to the NICU and were unable to because they had a patient that was dying. The thought of it just brought back a flood of emotions and I left not long after hearing that. I just couldn't help but think that I was in the same shoes as those parents not long ago and how can I be back here at work so soon? I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that by going back to work I am moving on with my life. I am having to start a new chapter and get out of the house on a regular basis and have a set schedule. I really enjoyed staying at home and moping around in my pj's. I know I can't do that forever and I know going back to work is the best thing for me but it is really hard at the same time. I am not sure whether or not I am going to go in tomorrow, we will just see how I feel in the morning.

Love,
Mommy to Cooper Walker

6-week check-up

Well today I had my six-week check-up and things went well. It was hard going back into the office knowing that I was going to see all of the nurses again that had been there for me when I was going into pre-term labor. The last time Clay and I were headed to that office "I" knew something was wrong and no one would listen to me. It's ok though because I know deep down that everyone involved did everything possible to keep him in there :) I was able to speak with my OB for a long time and she answered a lot of my questions. Clay and I plan on making an appointment with a perinatologist after the first of the year to make sure that his opinions coincide with my OB. She referred me to the same perinatologist that I saw when I was in the hospital and I really like him and felt that he was very respectful to my worries about certain meds he wanted to administer.

After we went to the doctor we went by the cemetery and I was happy to see that Cooper's Christmas tree was still standing considering how windy it has been here in Memphis lately. We were supposed to go by this week to order his headstone but we still aren't certain what we want to put on it so that is why we have not done so yet. I told Clay that we need to do it by next week because I don't want to keep putting it off. Well I guess I am going to go.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy to Cooper Walker

Congenital Heart Defect Facts and Statistics

*Congenital heart defects are America’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.
*Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.
*This year almost 40,000 babies will be born with a congenital heart defect. 4,000 of them will not live to see their first birthday.
*In the U.S., twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.
*91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.
*The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.
*Congenital heart defects occur frequently and are often life threatening, yet research into them is grossly under funded.
*In the last decade death rates for congenital heart defects have declined by almost 30% due to advances made through research.
*More than 50% of all children born with a congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.
*There are 35 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most them. There is not yet a cure for any of them.

Funding Statistics
*Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation is the only organization strictly created to fund congenital heart defect research.
*Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation has directed almost $2 million to 24 different congenital heart defect research projects.

“ ***Facts and Statistics courtesy of the Children’s Heart Foundation***”

Cooper's Heart Defect

I just wanted to post a little more information on Congenital Heart Defects and clear up some questions that I have recieved from multiple people about the reason that Cooper passed away. The reason that I went into pre-term labor did not have anything to do with what was wrong with Cooper's heart. Babies hearts are formed in-utero between the 7th and 8th week of pregnancy, lot's of time's before women even know they are pregnant. There is nothing that a mom can do to prevent her child from being born with a heart defect and it does not cause pre-term delivery. My doctor's are not exactly sure why I went into pre-term labor with Cooper but sometimes I like to think that since God knew Cooper's heart wan't perfect that he wanted to protect us all and not allow Cooper to suffer so that is why He wanted me to go into PTL. It would have been very difficult on Clay and I to have to put Cooper through heart surgery. I know too much about it and I have seen a lot of good outcomes and a lot of bad one's. With Cooper's condition since his pulmonary veins were connected to his portal vein it would have been a very difficult surgery. Now don't get me wrong if I could do it all over again and have more time with him I would do it. Had I been able to keep him in me until term he WOULD have undergone surgery to try and correct his heart. I would do everything in my power to be able to hold him and bring him home one day. I would greatly take all the cardiology appointments, medication delivery, long stays in the ICU, and multiple trips to the ER if I could have Cooper at home with Clay and I but I just realize that God had another plan in mind. I just wanted to make sure that everyone understood that even if Cooper had been born full-term he still would have had his heart defect and on the other hand his heart defect was not the reason he was born early. Thanks for listening, I know things are confusing I just thought this may help clear up some questions :)

Melody

Well Clay and I have been getting along OK. He had to do a lot of catching-up at work this last week so he traveled 3 days. I just stayed at home and got things done around here. Yesterday we went and purchased a small tree to place out at the cemetary for Cooper. We got some ornaments to put on the tree and placed it where his headstone will eventually go. We also spoke with the funeral director and looked at some more markers. I found some that I liked, but now we just need to try and decide what we want to say on the marker and then we are going to order it. I was hoping that we would have it out my his due date which was February 7th, but I don't think that is going to happen because the man told us that with the Holiday's it is taking between 12-14 weeks to get them in. Oh Well, I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference. It is so cold here in Memphis right now and so Clay and I didn't stay very long at the cemetary.

I was supposed to go and speak with my nurse manager this week so I can talk to her about what I am going to do about my job but I just keep putting it off. I have to go by next week though because I need to make a decision about what I am going to do. I know that it is going to be hard to go back to the PICU but I think hte hardest part is going to be seeing everyone that is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. As a nurse, I have always had to not get too emotionally involved with patients and their families so that I could stay sain so I think that will be the same. I wish I could just wait and not go back until March because then everyone would be on maternity leave but I know that I need to go back before that.

I have my 6 week check-up with my OB this coming week and Clay is going to go with me because we have a lot of questions for my doctor. We also want to ask her how long we need to wait until we try to have a baby again. I know that we are by no means ready yet but I am such a planner I would like to have her professional opinion. We are also going to meet with a perinatologist before we try again to discuss what they feel we will have to do next time to try and have a healthy full-term baby. I told Clay that I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. I loved being pregnant. I was never sick and I felt great. I was doing good on weight gain adn I loved feeling Cooper kick and keep me up at night. I guess that is what makes this so much harder. Not only am I mourning the death of my son but also of my pregnancy. I so wanted to have pictures this Christmas of Clay and I and my big belly. Well anyways, there is not much going on with us besides us just trying to cope and getting on with life.
Thanks to everyone that has posted such sweet comments, it is nice to come here and realize that so many people are still thinking about us :)