This time last year

Well this past weekend has definately been a weekend full of memories. This time last year Cooper was born on October 27th and then passed on October 29th. On the 30th we were at the funeral home making arrangements for the son we so longed to hold, and the 31st was the day we laid him to rest. Somehow though, we have been filled with a peace that can only come from our most gracious Heavenly Father. I had some friends ask me whether I thought Coop's birthday or angelversary would be harder and I told them about this peace we had been given. Not only was Cooper born premature, but with his heart condition there are so many more obstacles we would be facing. Had he been born full-term, we most likely would be facing a 2nd open heart surgery around this time and we would be somewhere else other than Memphis considering I would have liked to have him repaired at CHOP or University of Michigan. I would possibly be up there on my own as someone would have to continue working and there would just have been a lot of decisions to make. Now don't get me wrong, if I could do it all over again and still have Cooper here with me I would do whatever it would take. I would give my life for him just to hold him one more time. I would not mind having an imperfect baby that I spent all of my time with in and out of hospitals but I just feel that this was the plan that God had set out for us.


This past Sunday we had flowers on the alter of our church in memory of Cooper and they were just beautiful. We also went out there to his gravesite on his birthday and took him a pumpkin that had been painted with a University of Memphis Tiger on it. His daddy was very proud to have found such a pumpkin and knew Coop needed it :) Clay was able to stay in-town since last Wednesday so that was really helpful. Thank you to those of you who continue to read our blog and we do continue to ask for prayers and with time things do get easier but there will forever be a hugh hole in Clay and I's heart where Cooper's memory will always be.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Well today is Clay's birthday. This time last year we were admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor with Cooper and we were unable to celebrate this day. We plan to go to dinner this evening with family and try to stay focused on the positive things of today. Luckily Clay did not have to go out of town today but was able to stay around the house and spend some time with me and Maggie (our yorkie). She has become so rotten since we have been living at my mom's and I am not sure what she is going to do once we move. On that note we did find a home and our contract has been acepted! We are sooo excited and the planned closing date is November 1st. I have to meet with the inspector tomorrow at 12:00 and following that the appraisal will take place and hopefully things will continue to go well. It is in East Memphis and is smaller than Clay and I wanted in the beginning but was just too cute to pass up. We are ready to have a place of our own again and even more excited that Maggie will have a yard to run in. Granted, she does not really know how to play by herself so I am not sure how much she will use the yard unless we are outside with her but it will still be worth it. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as the following weeks continue and we get through the first anniversary of losing Cooper, but celebrating that he is with our Heavenly Father.

Coping

Well I realized that I have not been on here for quite a few months and I guess life has just gotten away from me lately. Clay and I have been extremely busy with work and just life in general lately. I am still at the PICU at LeBonheur and Clay is still doing sales for Trane heating and Air-Conditioning. There are still times when work is hard, with all the babies up there that have heart defects and just seeing the trial and tribulations that their families face. I have realized more and more lately how truly blessed Clay and I were with the way God handled Cooper's short life. As much as I would have wanted him to thrive while he was in the NICU the likelihood of that happening would have been slim to none and the peace that God has given us in taking him home to be with our Heavenly Father is much more than I could ask for. Granted, I would give it all up to have more earthly time with him but God has also shown Clay and I how short our time here on earth is and that our eternity with Him is what we should look forward to.


Since it appears that my last post was about the March of Dimes walk I guess I should comment on what a wonderful success that was. I was so humbled to have so many wonderful people there to walk with me on that day and many others that helped donate to Cooper's Troop. I believe out grand total was around $5,000 which far exceeded the $2,000 goal that I had set for ourselves. There was a great banquet during the summer that Clay and I attended where we received multiple awards including, 3rd place in t-shirt, 1st place for new family team, 2nd place overall and one more I believe. It was so exhilarating to realize that we had done all that to help other babies and to support such a wonderful cause. It is definitely a tradition that we would like to continue yearly and we already have some great ideas to help raise money for next year. We pray that Cooper is our only baby that we have to walk for and that God blesses us with a full-term healthy baby next time.


Other things that are going on is we sold our house down in Harbor Town in August and since we had to be out within 2 weeks we moved in with my mom, where we still sit. We have not had much luck finding a home that we like within our price range. The market is so slow around here lately and we are just praying that God's will give us a sense of peace and send us a home in His perfect timing.


Of course with it being October only one thing really comes to mind for me. The 1 year anniversary of Cooper's birth and death. October 18th is Clay's birthday and is also the day that I was admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor at 24 weeks gestation with Cooper. I then sat in labor and delivery for the next 9 days when I delivered Cooper on October 27th at 3:38 in the am. I still can't believe it has been a year and that this anniversary is already upon us. Cooper was in the NICU for 2 days before passing on October 29th when Clay and I left the hospital with all our hopes and dreams shattered and with empty arms. I know this month is going to be difficult but Clay and I have felt such a sense of peace about everything that happened that we can't help but still raise our hands up to God and praise His name. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers during the next few weeks and I promise to update this blog more frequently from here on out.

God Bless,
Mommy and Daddy to Cooper Walker
Melody and Clay

I just wanted to give an update on the t-shirts that we are selling to help raise money for the March of Dimes. I went on Wednesday to Collierville to place my first order and to complete the design. The shirts are going to be a baby blue color and the writing on them is in navy. Also in the picture of the front of the shirt, it is going to say "Cooper's Troop" not Cooper's Battle. I wrote it wrong the first time. I am going to try and put up a picture if I can figure it out. Again, if you want one they are $15.00 and you can e-mail me at mrsburchett@yahoo.com and I will add you to the list.

Thanks so much,

Mommy to Cooper Walker(Melody)

March of Dimes WalkAmerica

Well , yesterday Clay and I went to a kick off party for the walk that will take place in April. We were able to get a lot of information and we are getting geared up to raise monmey in memory of Cooper. If you wouldl ike to donate or walk with us in his memory you can go to www.walkamerica.org/coopersbattle . As is mentioined before we are going to be selling t-shirts to help raise money. I just e-mailed the guy that will be making them for us so I hope to get a picture up of them soon. They will be sold for $15.00 and the money will go towards "Cooper's Troop" for the March of Dimes. You can e-mail me at mrsburchett@yahoo.com and I will add you to the list. I placed a sheet of paper up at work for people to sign up to walk and for t-shirts and the response has been amazing. It is so nice to have such a supportive group of friends and family up there that are here to help us keep Cooper's memory alive.

After talking about it so much at work one of my friends thought about us having a bake sale to help raise money. We have these all the time up at work and it usually brings in a lot of money. I am really excited about speaking with LeBonheur on Monday to see if they will allow us to do a bake sale to help raise money.

Thanks to everyone who has already signed up online and to those who have donated. I will post a picture of the t-shirts as soon as I get them finalized. I plan to sell them up until the walk.

Thanks,
Melody

Mommy to Cooper forever

Walk America

Clay and I have decided to form a team for the March of Dimes Walk America in memory of Cooper. It takes place April 28, 2007 at 9:00 am at Shelby Farms here in Memphis. There are actually walks all over the place but this is the one that takes place in Memphis. We have signed up for a team and it is named "Cooper's Troop". We would love to have a huge group of people come to walk with us so if you live in the Memphis area we would love for you to join us. We would like to get t-shirt's made for everyone to wear and we are going to be checking that out in the next week or so. If you would like to support us whether by walking with us or donating you can go to our webpage at www.walkamerica.org/coopersbattle . I will give more details as I know about them.

Thanks in advance,

Cooper's Mommy and Daddy Forever (Melody and Clay)

Well as many of you know, last Wednesday was Cooper's original due date. Clay and I "celebrated" the day by going to the cemetary and bringing some balloons and a small bear for Coop that said "It's a Boy" and had a baseball in his paw. We tied some of the balloons onto the vase that is there and then released some other balloons so that Cooper could play with them in Heaven. The day for the most part was very peaceful and we are very thankful for that. I definately am very glad that it is another week and we have it behind us for now. I really feel like the weeks leading up to his due date were much worse than the actual day. I think I really had myself worked up about how I would feel on that day. The truth is that I most likely would of had Cooper before his due date because after he was born prematurely they told me that he would have been a huge baby and there was no way I would have gone to term.

We are thankful that we are not just starting this rollercoaster ride with multiple heart surgeries. I would not have wanted him to be repaired at the hospital where I work and I would not of had a choice because he would have been so sick after delivery. Also, the heart surgeon that was consulted after we found out about Cooper's defect has since gone to another hospital to practice so it would have been very difficult to allow someone that I don't know much about care for my child. Clay and I do realize that everything happens for a reason and just pray that in God's perfect timing he will grant us with another full-term, heart healthy child. I know we are asking for a lot but we really feel like the Lord will grant us this :)

Clay and I were able to get away last week to Hot Springs for the weekend. He had a dealer meeting there in celebration of those who sell for Woodson and Bozeman (Clay's company). It was very nice to get away and I was able to get a bath and massage while he was in meetings all day Friday. I am also happy to mention that he recieved the award for Territory Manager of the Year at the meeting!!! I was so proud of his as he didn't start selling until April of last year so he really had a lot of ground to make up for. He is so not proud and kinda just smiled for the picture with his "bronze eagle" and then put it under the table. I on the other hand was extremely excited and have been telling everyone I know.

Thank you soooo much to everyone who sent cards, phoned us and left sweet messages, and sent e-mails letting Clay and I know you were thinking of us last week. We are past one BIG date and feel that we handled it well through the grace of God.

God Bless,
Forever Cooper's Mommy Melody

February 14th is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day
1 in 125 children are born with a congenital heart defect, please help spread awareness and add this button to your blog.

I REMEMBER ……….

I remember … the first positive pregnancy test and the excitement in your Dad’s eyes when I told him
I remember … going to the doctor and seeing you the size of a pea on our first US
I remember … telling all of our family and seeing the shock and excitement they felt
I remember … the 2nd US where we saw your little heart just a beating
I remember … going to Cardiac Kids Camp as a counselor and telling all the kids I was going to be a mother
I remember … hearing your heart beating for the first time on the dopplar and telling the doctor I thought you had a heart murmur (he then told me that it was just because of all the amniotic fluid and to stop worrying)
I remember … the diagnostic US at 19 weeks and being told you were all BOY
I remember … asking about your heart and they told me it was fine
I remember … going to Florida with the girls and buying you a closet full of clothes
I remember … the first time I felt you move, it was so amazing
I remember … having a fetal ECHO just because I was worried and the techs needed practice
I remember … finding out a few weeks later that the tech thought she saw something but being reassured you were heart healthy
I remember … a baby dying at work the next week and feeling so sorry for the parents that were going home to an empty nursery
I remember … Daddy laying next to me in bed with his hands on my belly so he could feel you move
I remember … the tightening feeling I felt on October 15, 2006 and assuming it was Braxton Hicks contractions
I remember … calling the doctor on Monday and being reassured nothing was wrong
I remember … cramping all day on Tuesday October 17, 2006 and calling the doctor again when I got home that evening only to be told again that everything was ok hydrate yourself
I remember … waking up Wednesday morning and still feeling crampy, calling the doctor and insisting they see me
I remember … telling Clay we had a doctor’s appointment and him telling me “you are just trying to get on bedrest”
I remember … calling my friend crying because I just knew something was wrong and no one would take me seriously
I remember … arriving at the doctors office and when they took my blood pressure it was sky high
I remember … sobbing in the room because I just knew something was wrong
I remember … Dr. King checking me and saying “your cervix sure is thin”
I remember … crying some more and having an US to confirm what was going on
I remember … calling your Nana crying and telling her something was wrong
I remember … walking into Methodist Germantown and the nurses were there waiting for me
I remember … being hooked up to the monitor and finally saying, well I think I felt a contraction there and being told they were 2 minutes apart
I remember … on nurse taking a complete history on me and another rushing in to start and iv and place me head down feet up in the bed to get the pressure off my cervix
I remember … them telling me they had to do something because the contractions weren’t stopping
I remember … them starting me on Magnesium sulfate and all of a sudden feeling so sick and hot
I remember … the rollercoaster ride that night and finally getting the contractions somewhat under control
I remember … the us the next day and being told by the tech that I was 6 cm dilated
I remember … them telling me they would have the neonatologist come in and speak with us
I remember … Dr. Jenkins telling us all the statistics of a 24 week baby and that if we didn’t want to do anything that would be ok we could just hold him and allow him to die in our arms, he also informed us a baby would be born within the next 24 hours
I remember … Clay and I sobbing as he left the room because we just could imagine losing you
I remember … my sweet ob Dr. Williams coming in and deciding to check me and actually nothing had changed
I remember … them again trying to get the contractions under control and the nurses having to place oxygen on my face because I was having trouble breathing
I remember … the wonderful nurses in labor and delivery so many of them I knew from school and they were amazing and took such good care of mommy
I remember … being in such a daze while I was on the magnesium and so many of our wonderful friends and family coming to see us everyday
I remember … on October 26 around four o’clock I finally started to feel my contractions and they hurt
I remember … telling the nurses and they told me you would know if you are really in labor
I remember … around 8 o’clock your nana coming to stay with me and your dad leaving for the first time so he could get some good sleep at his parents house
I remember … around midnight taking something for pain and to help me sleep so that I could relax and hopefully the contractions would go away
I remember … waking up in horrible pain at 2 am thinking this has to be it
I remember … your nana calling daddy and telling him to get to the hospital as soon as possible you were on your way
I remember … begging them to put me back on magnesium, anything to keep you from coming
I remember … my water breaking and thinking there is no turning back now
I remember … the nurses asking me what I wanted to do with you and I told them everything because you were going to be such a fighter
I remember … your daddy arriving just in time for me to start pushing and within a few minutes at 3:38 you were born
I remember … waiting to hear you cry and I never did
I remember … them intubating you immediately and rushing you out of the room
I remember … laying there in a fog, I couldn’t believe what had just happened
I remember … the wonderful neonatologist Dr. Joyner coming in to see us and telling us you were already on the oscillator and that you were smaller than we thought 1 pound 5.4 ounces
I remember … being wheeled into the NICU to see you and just crying at your bedside
I remember … the emotional rollercoaster we experienced during the 3 days you were in there
I remember … calling down to the nicu on Saturday October 28th around 5 pm and finding out they were doing an echo because they thought you had a pda (no big deal if so)
I remember … you daddy leaving to go get dinner and the knock on the door that would change our lives forever
I remember … dr. waller the cardiologist from lebonheur where mommy works coming in to see her
I remember … asking him if you had a pda and he had this horrible look on his face, I said “it’s more isn’t it”
I remember … your daddy coming into the room all happy because he didn’t know anything was wrong
I remember … dr. waller explaining to us that you had a horrible heart defect called total anomalous pulmonary venous return
I remember … him telling us you were to small to be operated on and we probably only had 24 – 48 hours with you
I remember … calling down to the nicu to see if we could come see you
I remember … dr. joyner coming to talk to us and telling us we didn’t hace to make a decision at that time
I remember … coming back to the room and just crying all night long
I remember … going to see you in the morning and your oxygen sats were already lower and you just didn’t look very good
I remember … leaving after visiting hours and your dad going to get his hair cut and me waiting with your nana in my room until the unit was open again
I remember … the ringing of my cell phone and the number appearing on the called id, it was the nicu
I remember … dr. Joyner telling me you weren’t doing well, your heart rate was dropping and she wanted me to hold you
I remember … running outgo the room and asking nana to call your dad
I remember … getting into the nicu and there was a rocking chair there waiting for me, the sat probe was already off your foot because it had been so low and your heart rate was in the 70’s
I remember … the amazing feeling I felt when they placed you in my arms and how I wish I could have stayed there forever
I remember … your dad arriving and us both sobbing over you, of singing to you, and daddy telling you everything he had wanted to do with you
I remember … all of our family arriving and everyone having a chance to say good-bye
I remember … you starting to struggle again and me and daddy deciding to let you be with jesus
I remember … allowing the doctor to take your breathing tube out and holding you even more and wishing all of this was a horrible dream
I remember … wrapping you in your blanket and picking out a sweet gown for you
I remember … going back down to see you after our sweet nurse had bathed you and placed you in your sweet gown, and I held you even longer
I remember … having to leave that hospital without you and just wishing that I could change everything
I remember … arriving home and me and your dad just crying all night long
I remember … planning your funeral, I think I was still in shock and don’t remember too much
I remember … walking up to your gravesite and hour before the service and just crying down on my knees for you
I remember … not really wanting to see anybody because I knew their lives were going to go on even though I wished my would not
I remember … crying myself to sleep every night and still doing that today

Oh how I miss my sweet angel. You meant the world to you father and I and you were our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. You were our future and my life does not seem complete since you have been gone. I miss you so much and I don’t know if things are going to get much better. You daddy and I were so ready to nurture and sweet baby and now all those plans are on hold. Yes, by the grace of god hopefully in his perfect timing we will be blessed with another child but you will never be replaced. You were my first child and my life will never be the same. I have been inducted into a club that I wish didn’t exist. Until we meet again my sweet Cooper walker I love you with all my heart and you took a piece of it with you when you left.

Forever your mommy,
Melody

Time Moves On

Well, I have officially made it through 2 weeks back at work full-time. There are times when I am up there that I think there is no way that I will be able to come back another day, and then there are other times when I think just maybe, I will make it. I think more than just taking care of sick kids in the PICU and trying to comfort families when I still need comforting is the fact that I have to see everyone again. The heart surgeon that was consulted for Cooper, the cardiologist that came into the room Saturday night the 28th of October to tell me the news that would shatter all of my hopes and dreams and the ECHO techs that performed Cooper's fetal ECHO at 21 weeks gestation just because I was paranoid and they wanted extra practice, where I was told later that everything looked great. I am definitely not mad at anyone but it is just so hard to go back there. I just don't know how long I am going to be able to handle it. All 3 days last week my patients parents asked me if I had any children. It really caught me a little off guard at first but I managed to tell them that I didn't have any living children but that I had a little boy in Heaven. It was so hard though. I hate having to tell people that. It would just be a lot easier to say, no that I don't have any children but then I would feel like I was dishonoring Cooper. I also feel like I am under a huge microscope at work. Everyone is so supportive and worries about me but on most days I feel like I am just going through the motions.

I do have an appointment with the Perinatologist this Thursday for preconception counseling. After we went for my 6 week check-up with my regular OB she suggested that I do this. I am somewhat anxious about what he is going to tell me will be necessary next time we want a baby. Nothing is ever going to be easy or enjoyable with a pregnancy again. I don't care how many ultrasounds I have next time or how many monitoring tools I don't think I will be able to relax and completely be happy about another baby until they are in my arms safe and sound. I am not sure how long we are going to wait to try again but we have just decided that we are going to turn that over to God. We have just been praying that whenever God is ready for us to get pregnant again that he grant us with a healthy baby next time. We would much rather wait a year or so to get pregnant again then have to go through another loss. I told Clay that is something goes wrong next time that I am DONE. There is absolutely no way that I could handle doing this again and I can just trust that God will not give me more that I can handle. (Even though I thought this was more than I could handle :) )

Well thank you for those of you who continue to pray for us and please continue to think of us as we try to get through Cooper's due date which is February 7th. I would be 36 weeks pregnant today. Clay and I were so looking forward to becoming parents and now instead of holding and loving a baby we are grieving the loss of Cooper and buying new flowers for his grave site. Thanks for listening.

Forever Mommy to Cooper Walker Burchett

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
And all of your care
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place

You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

By: John Mooney

What Make's a Mother

I found this poem on someone's caring bridge site. She is a mother of another heart baby that also had TAPVR. He passed in January of 2005.

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say; A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies and when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say; "We go on earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me Oh! so much that I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy Oh! so much, but I visit every day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are not blue. Your babies are here in MY home and they'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you. So now you see what makes a Mother and it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you a Mother until their time is done; they'll be up here with Me one day and they'll know you were the best one!!!

By Jennifer Wasik in Memory of Zachary

Hi Daddy, it’s me, Your baby boy in the sky.
Won’t you tell me Daddy, why does my Mommy cry?

Doesn’t she know I’m happy here? Heaven’s a beautiful place.
Oh, how it hurts me, Daddy To see tears streaming down Mommy’s face.

Daddy, tell her I’m much better here, Jesus fixed my heart.
But when I see Mommy crying, It just about tears it apart.

I know it hurt you both, Daddy, When Jesus took me away.
But you and mommy remember, We’ll be together again someday.

I can’t wait to hug you, I never got the chance before.
When it’s time for you to come, I’ll be waiting at Heaven’s door.

Then you’ll both understand, Jesus knew where I needed to be.
What a marvelous place to live, Just wait and you both shall see.

Please let my Mommy know, Daddy, That I heard every word she said.
And I remember her softly touching me As I lay in that hospital bed.

Just one more thing, Daddy, Before I have to go
I love you both very much And just wanted you to know.

Author Unknown

Going back to the PICU

Well, after speaking with my nursing director last week, she suggested that I try to go back to work this last Monday. After turning in my paperwork and getting the OK through associate health to return to work I decided that I needed to make the dreadful first step and walk back into the unit for the first time. When I left associate health, I saw one of the attendings that I work with and he just hugged me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry and told him that I was OK and that I was trying to make it back into the unit. He told me how much they had missed me and told me to just take it slow. Then I called into the unit and talked to one of my friends that was working that day and told her that I didn't think I could make it into the unit. She came downstairs where I was and waited for me until I was ready to walk in. I knew that once I got in there things would be better, it was just the initial shock of having to go in there for the first time since everything has happened. I have not walked into an ICU since I was in the NICU with Cooper and it was hard to see all the babies lying there intubated and the families at their bedsides but I did get through it. I went back on Tuesday and was able to stay for about 6 hours and just kinda tasked and helped people out. I still have not taken a patient assignment, I have just been trying to take things easy. I did help admit back a post-op heart patient on Tuesday and that was kinda hard because he was 2 months old and just so sweet lying there. I just couldn't help but wish that was Cooper. I know that I didn't really want him to have to go through open-heart surgery but I would have done it if I had the option. Today, when I went in there I did not stay as long because we weren't as busy so I was able to allow my mind to wander, which is not a good thing :) We were trying to get a patient transferred to the NICU and were unable to because they had a patient that was dying. The thought of it just brought back a flood of emotions and I left not long after hearing that. I just couldn't help but think that I was in the same shoes as those parents not long ago and how can I be back here at work so soon? I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that by going back to work I am moving on with my life. I am having to start a new chapter and get out of the house on a regular basis and have a set schedule. I really enjoyed staying at home and moping around in my pj's. I know I can't do that forever and I know going back to work is the best thing for me but it is really hard at the same time. I am not sure whether or not I am going to go in tomorrow, we will just see how I feel in the morning.

Love,
Mommy to Cooper Walker

6-week check-up

Well today I had my six-week check-up and things went well. It was hard going back into the office knowing that I was going to see all of the nurses again that had been there for me when I was going into pre-term labor. The last time Clay and I were headed to that office "I" knew something was wrong and no one would listen to me. It's ok though because I know deep down that everyone involved did everything possible to keep him in there :) I was able to speak with my OB for a long time and she answered a lot of my questions. Clay and I plan on making an appointment with a perinatologist after the first of the year to make sure that his opinions coincide with my OB. She referred me to the same perinatologist that I saw when I was in the hospital and I really like him and felt that he was very respectful to my worries about certain meds he wanted to administer.

After we went to the doctor we went by the cemetery and I was happy to see that Cooper's Christmas tree was still standing considering how windy it has been here in Memphis lately. We were supposed to go by this week to order his headstone but we still aren't certain what we want to put on it so that is why we have not done so yet. I told Clay that we need to do it by next week because I don't want to keep putting it off. Well I guess I am going to go.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy to Cooper Walker

Congenital Heart Defect Facts and Statistics

*Congenital heart defects are America’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.
*Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.
*This year almost 40,000 babies will be born with a congenital heart defect. 4,000 of them will not live to see their first birthday.
*In the U.S., twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.
*91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.
*The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.
*Congenital heart defects occur frequently and are often life threatening, yet research into them is grossly under funded.
*In the last decade death rates for congenital heart defects have declined by almost 30% due to advances made through research.
*More than 50% of all children born with a congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.
*There are 35 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most them. There is not yet a cure for any of them.

Funding Statistics
*Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation is the only organization strictly created to fund congenital heart defect research.
*Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.
*The Children’s Heart Foundation has directed almost $2 million to 24 different congenital heart defect research projects.

“ ***Facts and Statistics courtesy of the Children’s Heart Foundation***”

Cooper's Heart Defect

I just wanted to post a little more information on Congenital Heart Defects and clear up some questions that I have recieved from multiple people about the reason that Cooper passed away. The reason that I went into pre-term labor did not have anything to do with what was wrong with Cooper's heart. Babies hearts are formed in-utero between the 7th and 8th week of pregnancy, lot's of time's before women even know they are pregnant. There is nothing that a mom can do to prevent her child from being born with a heart defect and it does not cause pre-term delivery. My doctor's are not exactly sure why I went into pre-term labor with Cooper but sometimes I like to think that since God knew Cooper's heart wan't perfect that he wanted to protect us all and not allow Cooper to suffer so that is why He wanted me to go into PTL. It would have been very difficult on Clay and I to have to put Cooper through heart surgery. I know too much about it and I have seen a lot of good outcomes and a lot of bad one's. With Cooper's condition since his pulmonary veins were connected to his portal vein it would have been a very difficult surgery. Now don't get me wrong if I could do it all over again and have more time with him I would do it. Had I been able to keep him in me until term he WOULD have undergone surgery to try and correct his heart. I would do everything in my power to be able to hold him and bring him home one day. I would greatly take all the cardiology appointments, medication delivery, long stays in the ICU, and multiple trips to the ER if I could have Cooper at home with Clay and I but I just realize that God had another plan in mind. I just wanted to make sure that everyone understood that even if Cooper had been born full-term he still would have had his heart defect and on the other hand his heart defect was not the reason he was born early. Thanks for listening, I know things are confusing I just thought this may help clear up some questions :)

Melody

Well Clay and I have been getting along OK. He had to do a lot of catching-up at work this last week so he traveled 3 days. I just stayed at home and got things done around here. Yesterday we went and purchased a small tree to place out at the cemetary for Cooper. We got some ornaments to put on the tree and placed it where his headstone will eventually go. We also spoke with the funeral director and looked at some more markers. I found some that I liked, but now we just need to try and decide what we want to say on the marker and then we are going to order it. I was hoping that we would have it out my his due date which was February 7th, but I don't think that is going to happen because the man told us that with the Holiday's it is taking between 12-14 weeks to get them in. Oh Well, I guess it doesn't make that much of a difference. It is so cold here in Memphis right now and so Clay and I didn't stay very long at the cemetary.

I was supposed to go and speak with my nurse manager this week so I can talk to her about what I am going to do about my job but I just keep putting it off. I have to go by next week though because I need to make a decision about what I am going to do. I know that it is going to be hard to go back to the PICU but I think hte hardest part is going to be seeing everyone that is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. As a nurse, I have always had to not get too emotionally involved with patients and their families so that I could stay sain so I think that will be the same. I wish I could just wait and not go back until March because then everyone would be on maternity leave but I know that I need to go back before that.

I have my 6 week check-up with my OB this coming week and Clay is going to go with me because we have a lot of questions for my doctor. We also want to ask her how long we need to wait until we try to have a baby again. I know that we are by no means ready yet but I am such a planner I would like to have her professional opinion. We are also going to meet with a perinatologist before we try again to discuss what they feel we will have to do next time to try and have a healthy full-term baby. I told Clay that I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again. I loved being pregnant. I was never sick and I felt great. I was doing good on weight gain adn I loved feeling Cooper kick and keep me up at night. I guess that is what makes this so much harder. Not only am I mourning the death of my son but also of my pregnancy. I so wanted to have pictures this Christmas of Clay and I and my big belly. Well anyways, there is not much going on with us besides us just trying to cope and getting on with life.
Thanks to everyone that has posted such sweet comments, it is nice to come here and realize that so many people are still thinking about us :)

Pics of Angel Baby Cooper

These are some pictures that one of Cooper's favorite nurse's Theresa made for us. She was just wonderful and made us lot's of pics when they would bathe him at night.