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"My Heart"

After checking in on my friend Emily's blog I realized that I had some of the same feelings towards Lilliana that she does towards her daughter. The amount of love that I for her is such a crazy, scary type of love. Before she was in my life, I didn't worry about all the crazy, and I mean crazy things that I worry about now. For example I am talking about the fact that every time it storms, I worry that she is unsafe in her room and would like to put her in our room but Clay will not let me :). Also, while in the parking garage at the mall the other day there was a line of cars and this crazy lady in front of me got out of her car and was screaming at the car's in front of her to move and I could just picture her pulling out a gun and shooting everyone. Lilliana was in the car with me so I quickly made a u-turn and headed back to the house. I also have had crazy thoughts of someone coming into my house and stealing her while I am sleeping. I refuse to turn the monitor down, even though every noise she makes wakes me up, I feel more comfortable sleeping like that. Now some people may think that I have gone completely mad and should see someone for my craziness but you have to remember how much we have longed for her and how hard I tried to get her here healthy and as close to full term as possible. Now don't get me wrong it was worth EVERYTHING! I would do it over again 10-fold and God willing would actually like to have at least one more if it is His will.



Anyways, this scary, crazy love that I am talking about is a feeling I have never felt before. Someone once said that "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." That is SO true. I feel like if something was to happen to Lilliana that I would absolutely die. How I ever got through the loss of Cooper is beyond me and was only through divine intervention. I still feel like there is a huge hole in my heart every time I think about him and he will never be replaced, but the thought of ever going through something like that again is just something I pray about daily.



When I was pregnant with Lilliana, I really tried to distant myself from the pregnancy as much as possible. This was done completely out of fear. When I was pregnant with Cooper life was blissful and I enjoyed every moment of it. Things were completely different the second time around. I refused to get connected with her until she was born. I would not allow anyone to take any pictures of me pregnant and I did not want any baby shower's thrown. I guess you can say that I was very superstitious and worried that if I did anything the same as I did the first time then something would go wrong. After she was born I remember holding her for the first time and it was so surreal. It was a moment that I will never forget. I still enjoy looking into those big blue eyes and just telling her how much I love her.

When I was pregnant with Lilliana I was in agreement that babies should not always be picked up when they cried and I felt that as "Babywise" says, the book I was reading, I would let her "cry it out at night." I also think that I knew deep down that I would be a complete pushover and needless to say, I think that is what you can call me :) This is something that I am just unable to do and I am happy to say that Clay is in agreement with me. Yes, I realize that she is completely rotten, I also realize that I don't get ANYTHING done sometimes during the day because 9 times out of 10 we don't nap AT ALL in our bed during the day. Yes, I hold her for most of her naps. I understand that is crazy to some but I just want her to get a good nap and when I lay her down in her bed she seems to wake up and does not get a full nap in, if one at all. Now when it comes to nighttime I usually feed her and then put her to bed. Sometimes she will stay asleep for quite a few hours and other times it will take 3 or 4 attempts to get her to sleep without her having a complete meltdown. I realize that she will not do this forever, I also realize that she won't be small forever. I am just trying to enjoy every single moment I have with her and have no regrets whatsoever! I guess it is just this crazy, scary love thing that is keeping me going and preventing me from going literally crazy considering the sleep deprivation :) She is the love of my life and I can't imagine a single day without her!

March for Babies

On April 26, Clay and I will be participating in the March for Babies (originally the March of Dimes) walk in memory of Cooper Walker and in honor of Lilliana. This is an organization that is near and dear to our hearts and this will be our second year to participate. Last year we raised approximately $5,000.00 which was truly amazing and we would like to try and meet or exceed that goal this year. We would love those of you who live in the Memphis area to walk with us. The walk will begin at 9:00 am at Shelby Farms. If you are interested in supporting our team you can donate online at www.marchforbabies.org/coopersbattle or you can e-mail me at mrsburchett@yahoo.com and I will give you our home address where a check can be mailed for me to turn in before the race. Thank you in advance for your support, and remember "great things DO come in small packages!"

Love,
Mommy to Cooper Walker and Lilliana Elise

More Easter Pics

Easter Pics

Lilliana dancing with daddy



sister Maggie with her Easter dress



Nana and Lilliana



Lilliana with Nana and Aunt Christy



family pic

Easter Sunday!

Lilliana's easter basket


she was soooo excited!



Mommy and Lilliana



Lilliana with her bunny from Nana



Well, today we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord and the gift of life that He gave us through His only son. It was a beautiful day here in Memphis and we definitely enjoyed the time we had to spend with family. The service at church today was wonderful and just made me realize how lucky I am. This time last year would have been one of Cooper's first time's to attend church which made things very difficult last year. What a difference a year makes! While we still miss our precious Cooper we are truly happy again. I look forward to each new day and try and treasure each moment I have with Lilliana. She is still not going to the nursery so I enjoyed holding her during the church service and just staring into her eye's and thanking God for the miracle of her life. These are the moment's I have dreamed about for so long. I used to look at all the mom's in the service that were holding their precious newborn's and now I am able to do so myself. It is such a blessing to have her here with us.


After church we headed to Owen Brennan's for brunch with my mom and sister. The food was great and we all ate way too much! Then we headed back to the house where we all took a nap together and then headed out to Clay's parent's to visit and watch the Tiger's barely pull out a win against Mississippi State. I do not like games that are this close as they make me nervous the whole time but a win is a win, so we will take it.

Prayers!

While working at LeBonheur there have been a few families that have made an impact on my life but the one that stands out most in my mind is the Oswalt family. They are a precious, Godly family that are a true inspiration to me. Lindy was almost 6 months pregnant and on March 13 she found out through ultrasound that the son she was carrying had passed. She then had to proceed to labor and delivery to indure the induction process to deliver their precious Baby Andrew. When I heard of this news my heart just broke for this sweet family. It brought back a flood of emotion's and I just immediately began to pray for them. Please join me in lifting this family up to our Heavenly Father and asking Him to wrap them in His arms. They need prayers now like never before and I know there are some wonderful prayer warriors that still check this blog. You can visit the Oswalt blog at http://www.theoswalts.blogspot.com/ .

Guess what Lilliana can do?

Church Baby Shower

Well, today Lilliana and I attended my shower that our Sunday School threw for us. It was wonderful and we recieved so many great gifts that we really needed. She was such a good girl and actually slept through the whole party!

First Trip!

Well today Clay was planning on heading toward Batesville for work and asked Lilliana and I if we wanted to tag along and stop in Oxford after he was done with work. So I got Lilliana fed and I showered and we headed out for the day. She did great on the drie down there as we left when it was nap time and arrived in Batesville before it was time for her to eat again. One thing I have noticed about her is that, as long as we are moving in the car she seems to sleep well, but the minute the car stops whether at a stop light or in traffic she usually wakes up. I don't get it. My mom says that I NEVER slept in the car when I was her age so I am just getting paid back. :) Anyways, after Daddy completing his work in Batesville we stopped so I could feed Lilliana and then we heading into Oxford. It ended up being a beautiful day and we really enjoyed ourselves. Our first stop was at Ajax for some lunch where we enjoyed some good country cookin. Then we headed over to Square Books Jr. where we purchased Lilliana some books for her Easter basket and a few other's for us to start reading now. We then went to Oxford Kids Co. where we got Lilliana her first swimsuit and a precious terry cloth summer outfit, and then over to get some ice cream before we headed back to Memphis. We really felt she did very well in the car, especially considering she dislikes it so much!

New Video

This is a bear that one of Clay's dealer's sent to

Lilliana and she is just starting to LOVE it. She is

becoming so active these days, and weighing in

at a whopping 10 lb. 12 oz.!

Go Tigers!

Lilliana is ready for Daddy's banquet



look at all that beautiful BLUE!



watching the game with Nana



the following morning, chillin with Daddy


waiting on Mom and Dad to leave


Well, even though the Tiger's lost tonight to UT we are a true blue family through and through so we are still very proud of our Tiger's. They played a great game and I wish we had been there. Unfortunately Clay had his big dealer's banquet this weekend so that is where we were during the game. My mom came down to the Westin where we were staying to watch Lilliana while we were at the dinner and then she left during half-time so she wouldn't get stuck in traffic. We were able to watch the game and Lilliana stayed up the entire time! She is becoming such a night owl. It is killing me :) I would like to be in bed around 10:00 at the latest but lately I am struggling to get her in the bed at night. She is just exhausted but she is fighting sleep. I am still having a difficult time allowing her to cry so it takes multiple attempts to get her to bed at night. I don't mind though because she won't be small forever and I am just such a push-over. I don't blame anyone but myself for this but I just love her so much.

New Pics

Baby Shower

beautiful Pi Phi's



Lilliana with one of my best friend's Angie



ready for the shower


Today, Lilliana went with me to her first baby shower for one of my friends from college. She was so good and slept the entire time thanks to my friend Lauren who held her while we were there. My friend Tai is expecting a little girl and I wish her the best of luck. I have informed her how wonderful motherhood is and told her to call me with any questions. I know she is going to make a wonderful mom, good luck Tai and enjoy every minute of it :)

8 things

Ok so I got tagged by Tricia to share 8 things about Lilliana:




1. She is truly a miracle baby. After losing Cooper in October of 2006 and then having a difficult pregnancy with her she stayed in her mommy for 36 weeks 1 day. I thank the Good Lord above and my wonderful OB, Dr. Williams for working so hard to keep her in there. :)



2. It was completely worth every minute. When I was pregnant with her I would say every time I went into the hospital or had continual contractions that I would never do this again but my feelings have changed. Having her in my life has completely transformed our lives and I would do it all over again 10 fold to experience the joy she has brought to my life.



3. She is definitely a mommy's girl but her eye's really light up, along with her fathers, when he comes home.



4. She has her mommy's personality (attitude)! We realized this pretty early on as her first 2 days in the NICU each time we would go to see her, we would receive a bad report from her nurses. They would tell us that she had an attitude and that she had been a little grumpy :) It wasn't until Saturday evening that her nurse told us what a good baby she was and how cute she was!

5. She was born with a head full of hair and still has almost all of it. I just love her hair, and she has been called Woodstock since birth because it sticks up all over the place after her bath and when she wakes-up in the morning. It is one of my favorite parts of her :)

6. She has just recently started sucking on her hand. It is usually her entire fist, not just her thumb or fingers but the whole fist. I think it is just the cutest thing ever and I try to get it on videotape all the time.

7. Clay and I could just sit and stare at her all day long. She is such a precious gift and I pray over her every night when she is going to bed and each time she wakes me up in the middle of the night. Even though I am exhausted from waking up still every 3 hours at night to nurse I wouldn't give it up for the world. I just love her so much and could hold her all day long.

8. She is pretty rotten. I can only blame myself for this and I figured it would be this way. I just feel like we wanted her for so long and struggled so much to get her here that I would be a complete push over. There are times that I just like to call her "loved" instead of rotten but we all know the truth. I just can't get enough of her and thanks God for her everyday!

2 month check-up

Well today we went for Lilliana's 2 month check-up and immunizations. I can't believe she is already 2 months old! She is growing up so fast. She had to get 3 shot's today and the oral rotavirus. She did pretty good with them as I gave her Tylenol before we left the house and then every 4 hours for the next 24 hours. She was kinda needy and wanted to be held a lot but that was ok with me :) I did better this time also, as there were not as many tears shed as the first shot. Now for her stats, she weighed in at 10 pounds which is in the 50% head circumference was 38 cm 25% and length was 20 3/4 inches 25%. Dr. Kloek was impressed with her and said that she looked great. He called her a petite little thing even though we think she is such a little chunker :) We are supposed to go back on March 1st for her 2nd synagis shot and then again on March 31 then we should hopefully be done for a while.

First time to visit brother Cooper

Today after we had our professional pictures made we decided to take Lilliana by the cemetary to see her brother Cooper. We did not purposely dress in black it was for our pictures. We are very thankful for the way things happened with Cooper and feel that God has truely blessed us with both of our children.

Professional Pics

Today Clay and I had professional pics made with Lilliana. We had an appointment with a lady from Collierville at 11:00 and at 9:30 when we were walking out of the door to head to Collierville, she cancelled on us and told me that she would not be rescheduling. Needless to say, I was livid. I had woken up at the crack of dawn to get myself ready prior to waking up Lilliana to feed her and bathe her. I think the thing that made me so mad was that I spoke with this photographer in December to schedule Lilliana's sitting and she told me that she was off the month of January and that the earliest we could set up a time was February. I really wanted her pics made earlier than that but seeing as she was recommended to us I decided to wait until she could fit us in. Well, after receiving her message I started to look for someone else who could complete her pics, preferably today. I found the website of a sweet lady online and called her around 10:00 and thankfully she had a cancellation at 12:30 so she was able to work us in. Her name is Michelle East and she is wonderful! I can't say enough wonderful things about her and I am so excited to see the pics when they are done. You can visit her website at www.michelleeastphotography.com . She was so professional and has such a cute studio just inside of Germantown. I highly recommend her to anyone in the Memphis area who wants some professional pics done :)

Eye infections, tornados, hot water tank trouble, oh my!

Well last week was somewhat of a crazy week. Clay left to go out of town on Monday the 4th and was not due to come back until the 6th. My mom was planning on staying with me at night to help out so I wasn't that worried about him being gone. On Monday when I was taking a shower and bathing Lilliana I noticed that the hot water was running out very quickly and I got worried that our hot water tank was trying to go out. When we bought our home, that was the only appliance the inspector noted was older then the rest and would possibly need to be replaced soon. I called one of my dad's old friends who was going to come over and look at it but within about 3 hours everything seemed to be back to normal so I am not sure what was going on.



Then when we woke up on Tuesday morning I noticed that Lilliana's eye was crusted over and kept watering. I called the pediatrician's office around 9:00 and at 12:30 I still had not heard back from them. I started to get frustrated because Lillie was just not acting right. She did not look like she was feeling well and so I decided to take her temperature. Well, after getting an axillary temp of 98.0 I proceeded to take a rectal temp because I just didn't trust the previous results. Well, upon taking a rectal temp I got a result of 100.2. I know that is not very high at all but Lillie is only 7 1/2 weeks old so I kinda freaked out. Ya see, the nurse in me knows that if a child under the age of 8 weeks gets a fever they are supposed to have a full septic work-up which would include an ER trip and and lumbar puncture! I called Clay crying to tell him, which completely got him worked up as he was sitting in meetings in Dallas, TX and couldn't do anything to help. I decided to call the doctor back and see if I should come in so this time I pushed the button to make an appointment so that I could speak with someone. Of course they suggested that I come in and I asked if I could go to the well baby room, even though I already knew the answer to that one! Well to no surprise they said no, and so I proceeded to tell her that it wasn't worth me to come in during RSV and Flu season and risk my baby contracting either one of those viruses. I started to cry on the phone and she probably thought I was crazy so she told me we could wait in the hospital lobby and that they would come out and get me when the doctor was ready so I agreed to come in. We were unable to get in with the pediatrician Lillie normally sees because he was not at the office that day so we saw Dr. Jones. I told him about her slight fever earlier in the day and that I had given her a dose of Tylenol and I got a slight scolding for doing so. He knew I was aware of protocol for infant's with a fever and told me that they don't always require a septic work-up especially since she is so close to 8 weeks. He was very nice about it but told me that they would have liked to know if her fever would have risen any more. He had figured out that I was a nurse after looking through her chart and asked where I worked at LeBonehur. After I told him the PICU her infromed me that the children I see are worst case senario and that he thought Lilliana looked great. He listened to her lungs and said they sounded clear which was a huge relief. I told him I had not gotten the stethescope out at home yet and I was trying to be the mom. :) He sent me home with a prescription for some eye drops but I ended up not having to get them filled because her eye looked much better the following day. He was wonderful and I figure there is now a big "H" on my chart for hypochondriac!



After all those fiascals you would think things would get better but on Tuesday night there were some terrible tornados headed for our area that actually caused a lot of damage in Memphis and Jackson, TN. It was pretty scary as I was here by myself for the first round of them but, I just took Lillie and Maggie into the hallway and we covered ourselves with blankets and pillows. I just kept praying the whole time that things would be ok and that He would shield us from the storms and thankfully we were alright.



Needless to say we were so greatful when Clay returned late Wednesday and brought with him nice weather, warm water and a happy healthy baby :) It is amazing how things turned around when he got back in town. I guess we were just all really missing our Daddy and trying anything in our power to keep him home!

No more big girl bed

That means crib to Lilliana. I started placing her in her crib for naps on Saturday and then she slept in there on Sunday night without much difficulty. That is, she slept well but mommy did not as I was so worried about her and I was used to being able to just reach over into her 'moses basket' to check on her but now I had to get up and go across the hallway. Anyways, last night when Clay was coming to bed he checked on her around 1:30 and she was resting comfortably and then aroung 3:30 I woke up to check on her and found her swaddled tight in her blanket but she had wiggled her way down into it and it was covering her entire face. Well the PICU nurse and mother in me panicked and immediately ripped the covers off of her which woke her up to my relief. I picked her up and decided to go ahead and nurse her since she was awake but could not stop thanking God for keeping her safe. I just kept thinking what could have happened if I hadn't woken up. I am sure her big brother Cooper along with our Heavenly Father was watching out for her and I am so greatful. Since then she has been back in her 'moses basket' next to our bed and I have slept much better. :)

Today Lilliana also had her first playdate with her friend Palmer. Well actually the girls slept most of the time but it was nice to be able to visit with my friend Tracy and have some grown-up conversation. We went out for lunch at McAllister's after the girls naps and then headed home. This is the first time Lilliana has been out to a restaurant like this and she slept the whole time. I was so proud of her she was so good in her carseat. Daddy arrived home soon after we did and we were able to spend some time catching up and loving on Lilliana. Then I got a phone call from the pediatrician's office asking me when I was coming in to get Lilliana's synergist shot. This is the shot to help prevent her from getting RSV. I told the office I wasn't aware she was approved for this as her pediatrician told me he was going to try and get her approved but thought the chance was slim. I called our insurance company to double check she was approved and then we packed up and headed into the office to recieve her shot. To say it was a traumatic experience for both of us is putting it lightly. You would think since I am a pediatric nurse it would not bother me, but to hear my baby scream like that brought tears to my eyes. I felt so bad for her and just held her and then nursed her again while we were waiting the 20 minutes you are supposed to, while observing her for any adverse reactions. By the way, they had to weigh her while we were there to make sure they gave her the correct dose and she weighed in at a whopping 9 lb 7 oz! Can you believe that. She was 5 lb 6 oz at birth just 7 weeks ago! She is such a little chunky monkey and I guess if there were any doubts whether she was getting enough to eat they were disproved after that sort of weight gain. I can't believe how fast she is growing up :)

Priceless!

Our DAILY portion insurance didn't cover for terbutaline pump $ 70.50



Package of soothie pacifiers $ 3.99



Our out of pocket max, we met during pregnancy with Lilliana $ 3,500.00



Cost of Lilliana's 1 week NICU stay $32,000.00



Being a mommy and daddy to a healthy little girl. The amount of joy that she has brought to our lives in such a short amount of time, and spending every waking moment doting on her and loving her. $ PRICELESS

Night out!

Well, tonight Clay and I decided to get out and go to our neighborhood progressive dinner party. Nana came over and watched Lilliana while we were there. It was really hard for me to leave even though we were just down the street and were only gone about 2 1/2 hours. That is also the longest amount of time I have been away from her so it made it more difficult. I fed her around 7:00 and then my mom was kicking us out of the door by 7:30. I was trying to explain to her that I usually rock Lilliana starting around 8:00 for at least 30 minutes then lay her down and don't allow her to fuss more than 10 minutes and if she starts to scream then to just get her up because she is not going to stop. My mom looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I thought she had forgotten how to care for a baby. :) I called to check on her around 9:00 and of course she was not asleep. This is probably our most problematic time, from 8:00 - 10:00. Clay says she just wants to be around us, like Maggie does because if I keep her in the living room with us she is just a doll. Usually after feeding her again at 10:00 she will go down much easier but it just depends. Again, we are going to work on this this weekend and hopefully we will see some results.

6 weeks already!

Well today I had my 6 week check-up with my OB. I brought Lilliana with me and they were very glad to see our miracle baby. Today, Lilliana is also 6 weeks old! I can't believe it has been that long already. She is such a joy and I just love her more than I ever thought possible. She is getting so big and I think her eyes are beginning to get more blue. Her daddy has beautiful big blue eyes but mommy has brown eyes so I am not sure who she is going to favor yet. She has started a new habit that is mostly my fault. She really isn't enjoying sleeping in her bed anymore. I guess this started last week when I thought her belly was hurting her and that she possibly had colic but now I am thinking she is just a little rotten :) Twice this week she has fallen asleep on Daddy's chest at night and now doesn't like napping in her bed either. She just sleeps so much better when she is in my arms. I was telling my mom about this and she said if she starts to cry, when in her bed, and then upon picking up immediately stops and falls asleep she is obviously tired and just fighting sleep. This is exactly what she does. I just hate to listen to her cry. It just breaks my heart and is comforting to know that when I pick her up she stops crying. She knows her mother is a pushover and she is definately working her charm! We plan to work on it more this weekend when Clay will be home more so we will just see what happens.

Clay and I went to get ice cream
the other night and even though
we didn't even get out of the car
I guess I thought Lilliana needed
to stay toasty warm!


Practicing our tummy time


I caught her smiling at her Daddy!




Well Lilliana and I continue to do well. She is growing like a weed. When I weighed her on Friday she was up to almost 8 pounds! I guess, there is no doubt that she is getting enough to eat. Lately we have had a few problems with either colic, or some of the things I am eating are starting to hurt her belly. I have decided to stay away from spicy foods and things that may hurt her belly so we will just see if that solves the problem. On Saturday night she cried for almost 4 hours off and on and I just could not calm her. After the first hour I would just cry right along with her as I felt so bad for her that I couldn't calm her. Usually, all I have to do is pick her up and hold her if she is crying but nothing was working that night. She kept drawing her little legs up and had not pooped all day so it could have been a combination of it all. Finally around midnight she fell asleep on her daddy's chest on the couch were she slept for the night. We tried laying her down in her bed around 2:00 but she immediately woke up and started screaming so we decided it wasn't worth it. Then when she woke up on Sunday she was a new woman so we will just have to see. I am praying that it is not colic and that I just ate something that didn't agree with her. On Sunday afternoon, I decided to get out for an hour or so and run to the mall and left Lilliana with Clay. Shortly after I left I recieved a text message saying that he thought she was feeling better as she unloaded her 2 days worth of poop on him! That's my girl :) She continues to be such a joy and I just love every minute I have with her.

Lilliana is telling me to quit taking pics of her
and feed her already

So Lilliana and I are doing great. I am impressed with how well she is taking to her schedule and she is still nursing like a champ. Clay did give her a bottle of pumped milk the other day and she took it pretty well. It took her forever to take the first 15 cc's but then she took the last without a problem. I was glad that she didn't completely refuse the bottle from Clay, and we will probably give her one every couple weeks to make sure she doesn't refuse it when it's time for me to go back to work. Wednesday was her official due date and on Thursday she turned 4 weeks old! I can't believe she is that old already. I know they say time really goes by quickly especially when they are young so I am trying to cherish every moment I have with her.


Clay and I weighed her last night and I can't believe that she is weighing in at 7 pounds 3 ounces! That is almost a 2 pound weight gain in a month. I am so impressed with her. She is finally fitting into most of her newborn clothes and getting pretty chunky, according to my standards :)


Today one of my friends from nursing school came over to see Lilliana and she stayed awake the entire time. I was so excited as usually, she seems to want to sleep when company comes to see her. We are working on finding time to get some professional pictures made of us with a lady from Collierville and hope to have that done in the next few weeks.

She is growing so fast!

Lilliana in one of her new bow's!



Tonight we placed Lilliana on the scales and she is weighing approximately 6 pounds 6 ounces! I knew she was growing as she has grown out of most of her preemie clothes by now. What kills me is that most babies are her size when they are born if not bigger and I think she is just HUGE. We are still working on our schedule but so far things are going great. For the last 2 nights after waking at 10:00 pm for feeding, she has not woken back up until between 3:00 - 3:30 to feed again, and then up for the day around 7:00. She is such a good baby and I just love her so much. Today, Lillie and I got out with my mom to go to my work so I could add her to my insurance and then we ran by Little Lambs and Ivy so I could buy her some more bows. Actually, Lillie stayed in the car with her Nana the whole time while I ran into work and the store but she was able to leave the house!