This time 5 years ago, I said good-bye to my precious first born son. Our world was rocked within a 2 week period and I have been forever changed because of it. I will never forget the day that I knew something was wrong. I just had one of those "Mother's intuition" moments and was well aware that the crampy feeling I was having couldn't be normal at 24 weeks pregnant. After trying to push those feeling aside for 2 days, I decided to go into the office and get things checked. I remember being so upset with Clay because he kept telling me I just wanted to be off work. I remember him calling his dealer on the way to the office and telling him he would be a little late because his wife was going in to get things checked out but all would be fine. I remember them checking my blood pressure and it was so very high and then thoughts of pre-eclampsia started creeping in to my head. I was so upset that they wanted to "check" me because I didn't want it to send me into labor! Ha, I had no idea but I already was in labor. I remember the look on his face, and then he told me we needed to check on the baby via ultrasound. I remember calling my mom while in the restroom just after having my ultrasound and crying knowing things were not going to end well. I will never forget him calling me into his office and telling me that work was over for this pregnancy and that he was admitting me directly to L & D to see if they could stop my contractions. I knew things weren't right, I knew deep down how big of a deal this all was but I don't think I really "got it". I asked them if we could stop on the way and get some Chick-fil-A, I was hungry and wanted to eat before getting settled in L & D but of course they told me to head straight to Methodist Germantown and not to stop. How silly of me to think that would be possible. Looking back, I think I was just numb at that point.
I remember them having a wheelchair waiting for me at the door to L & D and then it began to hit me how grave my situation was. They didn't want me walking anymore than necessary. The room I was ushered to was quickly filled with nurses and doctors quickly placing an IV, starting meds that made me feel like I was burning from the inside out, (the dreaded Magnesium Sulfate) and flipping me to where my head was lower than my legs. Anything to help get pressure off my cervix. My contractions were coming in intervals of 2-5 minutes and I think Clay and I both at this point just felt that the world was spinning around us while we were just standing still. The next 9 days were pretty much a blur. I was on and off of Mag, started on a terbutaline pump, stopped the terbutaline pump, started on by mouth procardia, and back on the Mag drip. I moved rooms on 3 different occasions and had lots and lots of support from precious friends and family. Clay got really good at turning me since the Mag Sulfate is a muscle relaxer, I was unable to barely keep my eyes open much less move, so, instead of calling for my nurses and driving them crazy every few hours, Clay would wake up in a stupor to position me to my liking.
He was my rock, he cried with me when the Neonatologist gave us his impression and suggestion about what to do once Cooper was born, and he never left my side .... that is, until the evening of October 26th. He was finally going to attempt to get a decent nights sleep just 10 minutes down the road at his parents house. Mom came to stay the night with me and I am sure it was a night she will never forget. I started having consistent contractions around 8:00 and was given a bolus of fluids and then before long I knew things were different. When my nurse changed shifts at 11:00 the oncoming nurse, who had taken care of me on multiple occasions, could tell that things weren't right.
We phoned for Clay to come back and shortly after my water broke. I knew there was no turning back now. I was worried again because it seemed like there was a lot of fluid and I thought it seemed like too much. My doctor soon arrived and Clay was just behind her. At 3:38 am on October 27, tiny 1 lb 5.4 ounce Cooper Walker was born into the world. I remember the nurse asking me what I wanted done and I told her everything because Clay and I hadn't had a chance to talk about it. Things had been going so well.
Cooper was quickly intubated and the precious NICU doctor whisked him away to the NICU but was updating around the clock. I was able to get out of the bed for the first time in 9 days and I remember being so dizzy from being almost upside down the whole time. I remember going into the NICU and seeing my tiny little first born hooked up to all kinds of machines. The same machines I used at work with on a daily basis, but I was looking at them from a totally different perspective now. I was no longer the nurse in charge of those big machines, I was a frail little mother that had just given birth to a tiny miracle that I would have given my life for to trade places with him.
Again the next 48 hours were a bit crazy between friends coming by to see me and not knowing whether to congratulate me on his birth or tell me they were sorry. On Saturday evening, the 28th there was a dreaded knock on the door and in walked Dr. Waller, a cardiologist from Le Bonheur. Clay had just left to get us dinner so he told me he would wait. I knew they were scanning Cooper's heart because thy had heard a heart murmur when they were doing his assessment but I really didn't think anything of it. I'd had a fetal ECHO before he was born and it looked fine so why was there reason to worry. When Clay got back he informed us that Cooper had Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return, TAPVR. His defect combined with his early delivery was incompatible with life. He was too small to go on the by-pass machine needed for heart surgery and the risks were just too high with him being so small. We were devastated. We called family and close friends to share the news. We just clung to each other and again, Clay was my rock. Our first born, Clay's little boy that we had so many dreams and aspirations for, all of it was clouded now with this news. Within 12 hours, he had really started to go downhill and Clay and I both agreed we didn't want him to suffer. Clay left again, for only the 2nd time in order to get a hair cut before making any decisions the following day. Around lunch time, the doctor from the NICU called frantically telling me Cooper was not doing well and I needed to get down there ASAP. Mom called Clay and he came back immediately and met me in the NICU where I sat motionless holding Cooper in my arms.
Thankfully, we all got a chance to say our "see you later's" because I know he will be the first smiling face I see when I walk through those gates. I still miss him like crazy but I am also so very thankful for all his precious little life taught me. I am a better mom, nurse, wife and friend because of his life. I don't take things for granted and I feel like I look at life a bit differently. I know how these mom's feel at work that just long to hold their babies while they are hooked up to machines and I also know what it's like to have your child go from your arms to our Heavenly Father. The main thing that helped me get through all of this is my relationship with Christ. I can't imagine not having the forethought that I would see my precious Cooper again. I know I will and I know he is full and whole and just perfect up in Heaven.
I can't stop there though because I realize that I must explain the reason I know I will see Cooper again, I would be completely remiss if I didn't share the wonderful news of salvation with you right now. Do you know where you'll spend eternity when you take your final breath here on earth? There are only two choices: Heaven or Hell. The Bible makes it very clear that in order to spend eternity in Heaven, you must accept Jesus as your Savior.
That means:
1). You acknowledge that you are a sinner and repent. (It is sin that separates us from God. There is no sin in Heaven, and since we, as humans, are born sinners, we can't take away our own sin. No one can be that perfect. We need a savior - which is great because, I know one!!! Let me introduce you to him -- see #2!)
2). You acknowledge that Jesus is God's only son, who came to earth in fleshly form. He was born sinless and NEVER, ever sinned (even during the age of two and his teen-age years!). His divine destiny from the beginning of time was to take on the burden of your sin, and of my sin, so that we would have the opportunity to live forever with Him after death.
3). You acknowledge that Jesus died on the cross for your sin. Not just died...it was an incredibly painful death. He was beaten, scourged and near death when he was hung naked from a cross, on probably the darkest, saddest day the world has ever known. (But this is not where it ends...Oh no, it just keeps getting better!)
4). You acknowledge that Jesus rose again on the third day. (A tomb couldn't keep him from YOU! He loves you so much!!! He rose again "Oh grave, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?" He's waiting so patiently for you to come to Him! The love, peace and joy that will fill you, is the same that causes me to rejoice though tragedy! I'm not alone and will never be alone. I'm forever a child of The King. And, one day, I will live forever in His Kingdom! "Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be!")
