Time Moves On

Well, I have officially made it through 2 weeks back at work full-time. There are times when I am up there that I think there is no way that I will be able to come back another day, and then there are other times when I think just maybe, I will make it. I think more than just taking care of sick kids in the PICU and trying to comfort families when I still need comforting is the fact that I have to see everyone again. The heart surgeon that was consulted for Cooper, the cardiologist that came into the room Saturday night the 28th of October to tell me the news that would shatter all of my hopes and dreams and the ECHO techs that performed Cooper's fetal ECHO at 21 weeks gestation just because I was paranoid and they wanted extra practice, where I was told later that everything looked great. I am definitely not mad at anyone but it is just so hard to go back there. I just don't know how long I am going to be able to handle it. All 3 days last week my patients parents asked me if I had any children. It really caught me a little off guard at first but I managed to tell them that I didn't have any living children but that I had a little boy in Heaven. It was so hard though. I hate having to tell people that. It would just be a lot easier to say, no that I don't have any children but then I would feel like I was dishonoring Cooper. I also feel like I am under a huge microscope at work. Everyone is so supportive and worries about me but on most days I feel like I am just going through the motions.

I do have an appointment with the Perinatologist this Thursday for preconception counseling. After we went for my 6 week check-up with my regular OB she suggested that I do this. I am somewhat anxious about what he is going to tell me will be necessary next time we want a baby. Nothing is ever going to be easy or enjoyable with a pregnancy again. I don't care how many ultrasounds I have next time or how many monitoring tools I don't think I will be able to relax and completely be happy about another baby until they are in my arms safe and sound. I am not sure how long we are going to wait to try again but we have just decided that we are going to turn that over to God. We have just been praying that whenever God is ready for us to get pregnant again that he grant us with a healthy baby next time. We would much rather wait a year or so to get pregnant again then have to go through another loss. I told Clay that is something goes wrong next time that I am DONE. There is absolutely no way that I could handle doing this again and I can just trust that God will not give me more that I can handle. (Even though I thought this was more than I could handle :) )

Well thank you for those of you who continue to pray for us and please continue to think of us as we try to get through Cooper's due date which is February 7th. I would be 36 weeks pregnant today. Clay and I were so looking forward to becoming parents and now instead of holding and loving a baby we are grieving the loss of Cooper and buying new flowers for his grave site. Thanks for listening.

Forever Mommy to Cooper Walker Burchett