October 15, 2009

Today is infant loss and awareness day. As in every year since losing our precious Cooper, we will light a candle tonight at 7:00 pm (all time zones) and keep it burning for at least an hour in his memory. The changes that have taken place in my life within the last 3 years are unmeasurable. I can tell you that 3 years ago today, I had no idea the challenges and joy that lay ahead for my family. Clay and I were blissfully happy and expecting our first child, a son, who we would name Cooper Walker Burchett. I was so excited, feeling wonderful and thinking I was a pretty cute pregnant girl at that. When I was admitted to the hospital on October 18, 2006 I had only gained 14 pounds with my pregnancy and was 24 weeks along. ( I didn't fare nearly as well with Lilliana :) The only real crisis I had been through before October 18, 2006 was the loss of my father on April 20, 1996. I had always been a Daddy's girl so this had been extremely hard on me, especially at the ripe old age of 16, but it was something that I got through with the help of so many friends and family. My mom stepped up as the family support and played the role of both mother and father. Although I missed him, and still do to this day, there were so many things going on during that stage of my life that helped to keep me busy.

The loss of a child is something that I can't even put into words. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him in some context and sometimes think I would loose my mind if I had 2 at this point, but I know that God won't give us any more than we can handle. I was talking with a friend about Cooper the other night at work and was telling her how it didn't really seem real to me until Clay and were spoken to by the Neonatologist, whom I didn't care for at all. I knew something was wrong when I went in to see Dr. K that Wednesday early afternoon but Clay kept telling me everything was fine and that I was just overreacting. I actually had to almost beg for an appointment that morning because the office also kept reassuring me everything was probably fine. (I need to disclose though, that I made excuse after excuse for the reason I wasn't feeling well, I had been on my feet all day charging at work, running ECMO, I was dehydrated, not enough sleep and so on and so on) It's just crazy to me, because 3 years ago, this was just an ordinary day, there wasn't anything about it that stood any significance and how things just did turn within 72 hours.

I have met so many people, through true friendships and the blog world who have lost children, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth or even infant death. It doesn't make it easier no matter what way because we all had dreams and desires for those children. Please be in prayer for all those with losses today and the many women struggling right now to hold onto babies and carrying those who aren't expected to live outside of the womb. There is so much heartache in this world but God has promised He will never leave us, He says in John 16:33 "...In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world."